JUST JILL

Just to be clear, I do not have an eating disorder. Truthfully I just don’t want the body I was born with. I’m not sure whose body I want. Then I start to feel so guilty because I should love and appreciate my body … but I don’t.

I have a love/ hate relationship with TECHNOLOGY! As an adult, I understand the benefits of technology and the digital world. It has opened up a wealth of positive advancements in the world … I do get it!! At the same time, I find it so overwhelming. 

I haven't changed my diet, and I exercise regularly, yet I have been putting on weight, and it is going directly to my midsection. I don't understand it, and I don't like it.

With that has come flabbiness. I look at my arms and don't even believe they are mine. I say to myself, what is the point of working out?

I have a close friend whose interests and values no longer align with mine. It makes me sad to say this; however, here it is; in my mind, we have nothing in common, she has become toxic, and the bottom line is our friendship brings me no joy. In fact, she adds unneeded stress to my life.

I'm having trouble coping. I feel embarrassed and incompetent, and confused. What has happened to me? I'm retired, so work is not the issue. Family, health, finances, even the unknown … I find it all so overwhelming.

I feel so good in the morning. By evening my middle section has expanded to the point where I can barely keep my pants done up. If I go out to a restaurant it is even worse. The minute I walk out the gas comes and boy does it ever come!

I’m grappling with the decision to undergo genetic testing for Alzheimer. Is it better to know or not to know? Would I be better prepared if I knew this was my fate? 

I had always been told that as I got older, my memory would fade … it's part of the normal aging process, right? Is it normal to look high and low for my glasses only to realize they are on top of my head?

Bumble… Tinder… eHarmony… Swipe left, swipe right… what platform to use? What do I say? How do I initiate? How do I respond? Is there online dating etiquette? It's all so overwhelming!

I'm tired of being a peacekeeper, mainly with the men in my life. Between my partner, my grown boys, and my ex-husband, I always seem in the middle, smoothing things and helping everyone get along. I have learned if I don't step in, there will be hell to pay.

I haven’t but my sister-in-law, who insists we don’t need the in-law part because we are family, has terminal cancer. She has asked me to give the eulogy at her funeral. I’m both honored and terrified I will f***k it up.

It's hard to believe at 58, this is happening. This is a friend who I have known since I was 15. We share so much history. At my age, who does this?? This reminds me of high school mean-girl behavior.

Sometimes he falls asleep on the sofa while watching TV. I run upstairs and try to fall asleep before he gets into bed. Most nights I lie in bed listening to him snore away while the irritation and anger builds up within me.

Bottom line, I don’t need to dive head first into the fountain of youth but dipping a toe in I’m okay with. I would just love to not look tired and weathered. I want to look fresh! Something even a good night's sleep and healthy habits cannot solve at this point.

I feel like I have acquired a new talent as I age. I can laugh, cough, sneeze and pee all at the same time. Definitely not the multitasking skill I wanted to add to my list of accomplishments!

All I can think of is will she be younger? Will she be prettier? Will she be funnier? Will my family and friends like her more than me? And when I do meet her will I be able to string a sentence together?

My gynecologist has told me that natural changes after menopause cause changes in pH that lead to odor. That’s all well and good but honestly I have gone from smelling like a bed of roses to a sweaty hockey bag!

I’m so mad at her. Truth be told, this goes beyond mad. She’s driving me crazy. Stubborn is an understatement. I’m terrified something awful is going to happen to her.

I have zero interest in sex. Don’t get me wrong, I love my husband. I just have zero desire to be intimate with him. It’s nothing personal, I have zero desire to be intimate with anyone.

She kept to herself as she went through the diagnosis stage. I am vague on the details. My mind froze as she was telling me. At the same time I didn't fully understand and didn't want to press for too much information.