Financially Fraught Fay - Just Jill' Advice, Rambler Cafe Blog

Just Jill is the creation of Jill Cohen Morris. Jill is an avid rambler and mother of two from Toronto, Canada with a remarkable zest for life and a fabulous sense of humor.

Dear Just Jill,

A friend's husband passed away recently. If you have been through this, you would understand the grief, and for those who have not, like myself, we can only imagine the sadness.

Amidst the mourning, she has had to deal with their finances. This put her in a tailspin. She was dumbfounded. This was the last thing she needed while navigating her loss. She had never paid a bill in her life. She had no idea what bills to pay or when. In a nutshell, her husband took care of all their finances.

This got me thinking. I have no idea about our finances. This has been my husband's responsibility our entire marriage. I have my responsibilities, and he has his.

There is so much to think about that I had never considered … bills, credit cards, insurance, mortgage, just to name a few.

I wonder if my mattress is stuffed with money? Not likely, but wouldn't that be a nice surprise!

Back to reality, I witnessed firsthand the stress this has caused and certainly don't want this to happen to me. Are there any other Sole Sisters in this boat? Who pays the bills and deals with finances in your relationship? Have you ever thought about this? Do you have a plan?

Would love to hear your advice?

What's a gal to do?

Sincerely,
Financially Fraught Fay

Sole Sister Advice

This is such an important question. I haven't lost a partner, but I can pass on from my widowed mother-in-law that everything was easier for her when her husband died because they had bills and bank accounts in joint names. That doesn't cover all the problems in the original post, but it means that she could access everything at least.
Always have a personal bank account and credit card. If you have joint accounts, they can be frozen during probate, and if your partner does anything unethical, then you can have some control. I have paid most bills and organized insurance. It's very worthwhile to share the business of living with your partner.
When my Dad passed, my mother didn't have a clue how to pay bills. We put everything on automatic withdrawal either onto her Visa or debit account. We regularly check her accounts to make sure everything is clean.
Since we have retired, I have taken a more active role in our finances. I attend meetings with our planner, take care of electric and rent payments, and have reminders on my phone when all bills are due. My husband is still our money manager, but I now have a more active role.
My mother had become so dependent on my Dad that he paid the bills and looked after all their business affairs. She was truly at a loss when my Dad passed. Thank goodness my brothers and I were there to help her navigate the whole thing. I'm sure my Dad thought he was just doing his duty and "taking care of things." But by not involving her, he did her no service. My mom lacked so much self-confidence she wouldn't even make a business phone call because she didn't know what to say or how to talk to them about whatever mattered. So we were making the calls for her while she sat beside us, in case we needed info from her. It was frustrating and hard to put myself in her shoes, but 45 years of dependency created this. She's much better at navigating banking and all that now with our urging and direction. My advice is to always stay involved with the business affairs of the home so this doesn't happen in the event of a sudden loss.
I've always been the one to manage the finances, so early in my marriage, I developed a document that I called Guiding Principles. Besides having a will, this document provides all the details of life insurance, bank accounts, bill information, etc. I regularly updated it in the 24 years I was married. I think it is critical discussions happen between a couple, or in my case, with my adult children; if something were to happen to me, they could quickly locate this information and begin the process of making the calls and settling the estate. In the last five years, I have lost my ex-husband, my mother, and my brother-in-law and I know how hard it was, particularly for my sister, who did not manage the finances. I spent hours combing through files and putting them together for her. So, in essence, I'm saying make sure to have the critical conversations that sometimes can be hard, but if something happened to you or to me, what do you need from me to manage life going forward at such a difficult time. It is also essential to check beneficiaries on all accounts, including retirement, insurance, bank accounts, etc. I'm single, so with my adult children, I have made both POD (payable on death) of my bank/brokerage account, only non-retirement accounts. This way, they have easy access to money without going through hoops. While grieving, it's so hard to settle an estate or pick up the pieces of managing the finances, so having this document helps with that process to at least provide some initial steps. With my own children, when I update it, when I've made any substantial revisions, they always ask if everything is all right even though I start out the conversation. I am updating my guiding principles document.
I remember working at a massive chain of department stores in Canada years ago. My job was to help folks fill out applications for our credit card. It amazed me that so many women, some not much older than I was (early 20s), did not even know what bank the family accounts were at. Which means that they did not even have their own checkbook. I was often told, My husband takes care of that?
If you have aging parents and your Dad can't hear, and your mom has Memory issues (but never took care of most of the bills), I found it easier to take over their daily finances for utilities, banking, etc., so I could monitor and help out as needed while allowing my Dad to manage his finances to maintain and keep his quality of life.
As a single woman with no kids, it makes me think about who is going to help me if and when I'm in that stage of life and what resources many others can rely on and trust in the future as I do hear horror stories where other family members or possibly a close friend could take advantage of the situation. I just want my parents to stay as healthy and happy as long as possible and live their best lives as they were always strong, independent parents who never talked about finances to us in the past and now need to rely on us a bit more because of their health issues.
It's very common for one spouse to handle the finances - just the division of labor. As a practicing Financial Planner, I always stressed the importance of including the spouse (usually the wife) in all the discussions and meetings so she understood the situation. It's not healthy for one spouse to be ignorant of something as important as the family finances. (In a few cases, the husband was more than happy for his wife to remain in the dark.) Everyone must understand their family's situation: insurance, estate planning, cash flow, balance sheet and investments. If you have no idea what accounts you have, how to pay a bill, where your will is, etc., you must set a time to sit down with your spouse and review everything. If you have an Advisor or Financial Planner, ask for a meeting with her/him.
Estate planning is extremely important, too, so that the "next of kin" can quickly take over when you pass.
Now, you need passwords for everything to pay or get information. After losing our mother, we realized how important having passwords is to get into everything. Make sure you have those too!
Too late for some..however, all partnerships should consider switching duties annually.
It's really important to get wills and powers of attorney in place. In the UK, there is a POA for health and welfare and another for finances and property. This UK I'm talking about, just going through this process with a solicitor will clarify a lot of things. Secondly, the surviving spouse needs to know what they will live on when the other dies. If you are the wife in a traditional setup, what pensions and savings will be available to you? Lots of widows get a shock. Don't give away assets to children without checking your own financial future. Also, set up a spreadsheet for each partner with passwords for all accounts, social media, banking, etc. Password controlled and regularly updated. Best of luck.
My parents had looked after their funeral arrangements well ahead of time. No stress for us. I have always looked after the finances and, in a second marriage, keep my finances separate with a well-worded will. My children meet with me regularly to review the investments and the state of financial affairs. They have agreed that my daughter is the POA and Executor. Having only one is much, much easier.
One real simple asset, I think, is to have an email address that both parties can use for keeping up to date with everything that comes in or use both party's email addresses on all correspondence.
My husband is 14 years older than me and has a bad lung condition. I've slowly but steadily been learning to protect my financial future. We made our wills, assigned each other as beneficiaries on investments, etc., and I'm learning how to do self-directed investing as well as utilizing an investment advisor through my bank. It all seemed onerous but much less so outside of a crisis. Prepare in advance & be willing to learn. You can do it!
Good advice. I handle the money at home and our business. We share all checking accounts. I'm training my daughter to know our business stuff. I'd like to retire someday, lol. Although my husband knows the mortgage amount, etc., I am not sure he knows all the bills and how to pay them. Time to get a plan.
I have a book (specifically printed for this) that you record all details of your life … bank accounts, insurance companies, utility providers and account numbers, passwords, etc.… health care wishes, funeral wishes - all those details that you may not actually discuss but have feelings about.
When we retired, we went on a 6-month trip. Prior to going, we made up our "death book" with all our account info and left it with my brother. My husband has also made sure that I can access everything on his computer. I had a friend who retired with her husband a few years ago…both just 56. He wound up having a massive heart attack several months later. She didn't have passcodes to get on his computer or his phone. We learned our lesson from that.
Oh, weirdly, I was thinking about that the other day when I changed my Google password. You don't always make sure your close relatives know this password. Then I thought, wow, our entire life of family pictures are on my Google Drive and would be lost if I got hit by a bus and my husband or kids could not access them. I also remember my friend whose husband passed away, and she was so sad to lose all the pictures on his phone because she did not know his password. Many of us at this age don't think about how to ensure our digital assets can be accessed by those we love and not those we don't (LOL) after we die.
Don't delay; get this sorted ASAP! Everything needs to be in joint name, from hydro to investments. Passwords should be recorded in a notebook and kept secure. Last Will and your Living Will to be kept current. Discuss the funeral and MAID with each other. This preparation is one of the most loving things you can do for each other and your families. You reduce or alleviate one of the layers of grief for your loved ones.