Peacekeeping The Men in My Life - Just Jill, Rambler Cafe Blog

Just Jill is the creation of Jill Cohen Morris. Jill is an avid rambler and mother of two from Toronto, Canada with a remarkable zest for life and a fabulous sense of humor.

Dear Just Jill,

I'm tired of being a peacekeeper, mainly with the men in my life. Between my partner, my grown boys, and my ex-husband, I always seem in the middle, smoothing things and helping everyone get along.

I have learned if I don't step in, there will be hell to pay. The fighting, the yelling, and the male testosterone are next level!

I'm so frustrated I could scream!! What is wrong with them? What is so hard about coexisting? I am constantly intervening. I never asked for this role, and I'm sick of it. It causes me so much anxiety.

What choice do I have? Would love some Sole Sister advice!!

What's a gal to do?

Sincerely,

Peacekeeper Paula

Sole Sister Advice & Comments

A primal scream of recognition. And when things get worse, the "facilitator" gets in trouble! I am actively re-training myself in the "complete faith" method, as in "I have complete faith you will work that out." It's so hard, but I am seeing positive changes.
When my marriage ended, a friend gave me the best advice. It was this - let your ex know that HIS relationship with HIS children was HIS responsibility. It was hard sometimes, especially when they were younger and more visibly disappointed, but it freed me up to focus on how I could show up in MY relationships and what I needed to work on.
Having firm, clear boundaries around undesirable behavior was relentlessly enforced as well. I felt like I was being such a bitch, but assertiveness feels like aggression when we have weak boundaries. I kept reminding myself that stating clear expectations made my kids feel safer. I have always loved "bylaws" - when the rules of engagement are clear, running interference ceases to be personal.
By taking myself out of the equation AND creating a safe space for myself and my kids, everything became more accessible. It can be so hard to see where we are enabling unhelpful behavior.
They are all adults. Step away and let them work it out with firm boundaries about what you will tolerate in your home regarding yelling and fighting. It will worsen before it improves as they try to bring you back into the triangle. Resist the urge to go back to your old role. It's up to them to decide what kind of a relationship they want with each other, and your being in the middle is preventing that from happening.
I can't tell you the clarity you get when you are no longer in this role. I (like every woman) did this for decades. Now that there aren't men in my life (my ex is in another city, and our kids are grown and they are girls, so they do doubt do their own soothing of him, but it's no longer my role), I've stepped intentionally out of things with my father and brother who created nothing but drama for the women around them, and I am blissfully single. It has just started to dawn on me how much of my life was spent managing the moods and egos of men. Fixing things for them, making them feel better, making people they hurt feel better so they don't have to, and making excuses for them. It makes me sad how much support we give them and how much "fixing" we do, neglecting so much of our own lives in the process. My advice from this perspective is to stop fixing shit for them. Just stop. I'm sure they let things escalate, knowing you won't let it get out of hand. You will swoop in, fix things, and make it all better. That if they overstep that, you will fix things between all parties. They don't need to manage their emotions when you are there to do it for them! They might - eventually do better if you leave them to figure it out for themselves, especially if you make it clear that this is what you will be doing moving forward. And if not? Frankly, maybe the hard truth about the shit you have been managing comes to the surface, and some things must change. This might be a radical position, but they only stop expecting us to do everything if we stop and hold our ground. Otherwise, why would they? They have been looked after by women since they were born. They have to learn how to do it without you, and it might not be fun, but what you are doing isn't fun either.
You are NOT the only adult in this triangle of male egos!
Have you tried stopping being the peacemaker? For long enough for them to sort themselves out? Maybe, just maybe, they might work it out? Sending you positive energy and kind thoughts.
All I can say is it is reassuring to know this is not uncommon.