I Have to Deliver a Eulogy - Floundering Fran, Rambler Cafe Blog

Just Jill is the creation of Jill Cohen Morris. Jill is an avid rambler and mother of two from Toronto, Canada with a remarkable zest for life and a fabulous sense of humor.

Dear Just Jill,

Have you ever delivered a eulogy?

I haven’t but my sister-in-law, who insists we don’t need the in-law part because we are family, has terminal cancer. She has asked me to give the eulogy at her funeral.

I’m both honored and terrified I will f***k it up.

First thought - OMG, no!

Second thought - she’s planning her own funeral? This is one thing I can take off her plate.

Third thought - this is the only meaningful gift I can give her.

I have no problem with public speaking when I have my teacher hat on. Without that shield, though?

I have reasons to be concerned. Case in point - I had a cute little story to read at my daughter’s wedding. I started to choke up and almost didn’t make it through. It was a funny story with a sweet ending for a happy occasion! If I can’t get through that then how I am going to do this?

Plus, when going through hard times I usually cope fairly well until I see someone I care about hurting, then I become a puddle.

A friend suggested I write it, then practice, practice, practice and on the day of take an Ativan. Medicine makes me a little nervous because it tends to hit me like a train. I once took an adult dosage of over the counter cold medicine and I was looped out for three days.

I could really use some wisdom from those who have traveled this road.

What’s a gal to do?

Sincerely,

Floundering Fran

Sole Sister Advice & Comments

I agree with writing and practicing as someone who has delivered my fair share of eulogies. I have also shared the task with someone else, like my sister. We stood up front together, holding hands for support when necessary. I also believe that it's okay to cry. Nobody is expecting you to hold it together.
When I gave a eulogy for the first time, I was scared, also. Write down your eulogy, and once you are up front and reading, your attention is no longer on the people listening but rather more inward towards you. When your emotion rises, stop for a few deep breaths, and bring your attention away from that emotion by looking at someone unfamiliar. For what to write in the eulogy, spend some moments with her and discuss special moments in her life she would like to share, what her hopes are for special people in her life she would like to share. My family appreciated very much hearing words from my mother's thoughts more than just my thoughts about her. My sympathies for your sister in law
First, I'm very sorry you're losing someone dear to you. I delivered my brother's eulogy, as well as read at my Dad's funeral. Puddle? Since trying to maneuver my way through (over, around, sideways, upside down…) menopause, that's an understatement. I had the same concern and expressed those concerns to the officiating pastor. She said she worries about the ones that don't show emotion. Your sister asked you because she wants you; it's an honor. My brother's passing was sudden, so there was no asking. It would have been more meaningful had there been. We were very close, so I still felt honored and that it would have been a last wish anyways. I must admit, I had a shot or two, but I got through it. The odd tear rolled, a few big deep breaths, and I did it. Many came up and complimented me and said how well I'd done, and he would have loved it. Funerals have turned into celebrations of life and love. Sounds like the two of you shared a lot of both. I wish you luck. I have a feeling you'll do just fine. Again, my condolences. As a sidebar, check out the Healthy Mourning website. A dear friend managing this site offers a lot of answers and creates a safe space on the enviable, unique grief journey.
I am the family member that has consistently delivered readings and eulogies. My Grannie, Grandma and Nanna. But the hardest was for my brother and then two weeks later for my Grandpa. Be you. Write from the heart, say from the heart. Practice and then cry if you need to. It helps to print it okay out in larger font. No one judges, and if they do, that's on them. People there care for your loved one and want to share the memories. Huge hug. Hard thing to do, but so important.
I'm really sorry you are losing someone so close to you, and what an honor to be asked to deliver the eulogy. I wrote and delivered the eulogy at my Dad's funeral. I was terrified at the thought of this when I first asked, but almost twenty years later, I'm so glad I did it. It's a memory that I cherish. It was beneficial to write the eulogy down word for word and to practice saying it out loud repeatedly with a typed copy in hand. I also delivered it the day of - typed copy in hand. Would it be helpful to have a backup person you know who would be comfortable completing the reading (the words you have pre-typed) if you succumb to complete puddledom? Knowing that person is there would take some of the pressure off. Your words are so valuable whether you are the sharer or not.
One of his cousins attended my ex-husband's funeral (my daughter's Dad). We had invited him to speak, but he was terrified of public speaking. After the celebration of life, he handed us something he had written - it was what he would have shared had he not been terrified. It was a very well-written piece about what it was like growing up with Patrick and the impact a young Patrick had had on his life. It was beautiful, and I wished the whole crowd had gotten to hear it - I would have been happy to have delivered his story to the crowd on his behalf. And it's totally okay to cry through the eulogy!
There is a natural remedy, Rescue Remedy, by the Bach Flowers company, that has been around for ages. After my husband died, I used it a lot - very calming and doesn't alter anything else. I used it during his memorial and when I had extreme stress. Works a charm and is safe. Good luck. To deliver a eulogy is an honor.
As someone who has yet to deliver a eulogy but has been to too many funerals, I can honestly say I have never thought, "Wow, can you believe that person couldn't keep it together" or "That was a terrible eulogy." So you cry, you're in mourning, allow yourself to grieve. It's all part of the process. I'm sorry you are going through this; never easy.
I delivered my grandmother's because my mum asked me to. Everyone thought I could do it as I, too, am a teacher. I got up, and my voice broke. I couldn't talk properly, and thank goodness I had it written before me. I knew it by heart, but I would have struggled without that paper. Two weeks ago I had to give a speech to a staff member who was leaving. I'm now the principal. When there is a big occasion, my staff rewords a song, and we sing it to the person. They chose Neil Diamond's Sweet Caroline and translated it to Sweet Cameron. I got all choked up while it was being sung, and the same ridiculous voice came when I did the speech. The same response from the audience happened on both occasions, everyone got a tear, and the most crucial part was that everyone knew that I was being genuine. So I take my hat off to you. Do it for your sister-in-law as she wants you to, and use her strength to get you through it. Make sure it is written down. Take your time and have some water with you. All the best.