Glenda Wants to Ghost Her Friend - Just Jill, Rambler Cafe Blog

Just Jill is the creation of Jill Cohen Morris. Jill is an avid rambler and mother of two from Toronto, Canada with a remarkable zest for life and a fabulous sense of humor.

Dear Just Jill,

I need to clean house … I mean that figuratively not literally!

I know someone wrote in about being ghosted in this group before. Here's a twist, I am going to turn the tables and say I am the ghoster, or at least I want to be.

I have a close friend whose interests and values no longer align with my own.

It makes me sad to say this but here it is: in my mind, we have nothing in common. She has become toxic to me, and the bottom line is that our friendship no longer brings me any joy. In fact, she adds unneeded stress to my life.

I'm at a point where I only want to be surrounded by people that bring me joy. Is that selfish of me? I'm not saying if I had a friend going through something, I would not be there for them; of course, I would! I'm extremely loyal, a good listener, and I would do anything for my friends.

I'm not mean, nor do I want to hurt her feelings. I'm a people pleaser, which is why she is still in my life.

How do I get her out of my life without hurting her, with compassion? How do I politely ghost a friend?

What's a gal to do?

Sincerely?
Ghoster Glenda

Sole Sister Advice

Honestly, there is a gentler way to slowly extricate yourself from the friendship without declaring a divorce. Distance yourself over time to make it less painful for you and your friend.
I find all the replies most interesting. However, remember to be open to the whole situation. I was ghosted while fighting an unknown illness ... undiagnosed for months - it turned out to be a brain injury. Also, this happened during Covid. It was a neighbor woman who I still see driving by my house each day. Looking back, I've accepted this. Even if I am invited back "in, " I will decline because of their narcissistic behavior. Their no-communication approach was confusing and cowardly. They created a new group chat, and I was omitted. So please, be careful with ghosting.
I agree that ghosting can be an equally hurtful practice. For me, I find friendships wax and wane over time. I have never felt the need to divorce a friend. I don't see the point unless something has happened that warrants the need for a complete severance. One can set parameters for how people can be in your life and how they cannot through signals. It is this that I mean by gentle. I have yet to want to close the door on someone forever.
Do you have mutual friends? If so, the slow approach is the way to go. I'd be less available, not initiate contact and slowly step away. If not, I'd be inclined to rip the bandage off and walk away.
Be honest but kind. Ghosting is a wretched practice and can be an excuse not to use clear, concise communication. The personality will impact how direct you need to be. It can be hard if it's pushing up against your boundary issues. Lessons abound!!
When my kids were young, an acquaintance told me that her plate was already full - with family, work, and friends - and that she had no bandwidth for anything or anyone else. At the time, I found her candor to be direct and refreshing - I didn't have to guess what she meant! Vague excuses were tough for me, and I was grateful for the clarity. BTW, we ended up having a wonderful and ongoing relationship. However, there are large chunks of time when we do not hear from each other - without prejudice!
I agree that a slow fade is usually easiest - but I've also learned to be direct when necessary!
To slowly disappear or break up, this is the question, it seems. I am in a team slowly disappearing - friendships have a natural ebb and flow sometimes. I think it is impossible to verbally break up with a friend in a way that isn't traumatizing for both people involved. A friend broke up with our entire friend group just after the pandemic. She divorced four of us at once. I am sure she tried to say it sweetly, but there is no good way to say I don't want to be your friend anymore. There was no way not to take that deeply personally; it cut to the bone. It was a heartbreaking experience that I would not wish on anyone. It would have been better for all of us if she had just faded away.
I made two new friends over the pandemic…which reminded me that I don't need to make new friends! One, because our activities were walking and biking, I quit asking her…and she quit asking me - we just don't have enough common ground. We also don't have lives that intersect, so it was easy to let that go. The other is a bit harder…she texts me daily, and I don't do that with anybody. She also gets off on whiny tangents that I've heard now a dozen times. So, I pull back there too. I feel less bad because they are not lifelong friends.
Do you even need to break up? Sometimes people need us because we are strong. I'm forever carrying the weight of others, but when I'm in need, there's nobody. It gets tiring, but I do it.
Can you just let the friendship fade away? If not, you may have to have a difficult conversation with her.