Perplexed About Poly Priscilla - Just Jill

Just Jill is the creation of Jill Cohen Morris. Jill is an avid rambler and mother of two from Toronto, Canada with a remarkable zest for life and a fabulous sense of humor.

Dear Just Jill,

I'm newly single and starting to date again. Is it even called dating anymore? I feel so out of the loop.

I recently went out with a man I quite liked, very exciting! All in all, it was a wonderful evening. I felt an instant connection. The only caveat is that he told me he was poly about three-quarters of the way into our meal.

Poly, what even is that? I thought to myself while trying my best to remain expressionless. Is he a polygamist? Does he believe in multiple wives? Am I being interviewed for a reality show??

Even though I tried my best, he could sense my shock. He went on to explain to me what being poly is. For him, it is being involved sexually and romantically with more than one woman at a time with no secrets. All parties are aware of and mutually agree to this.

I went home and immediately did my own research. What I learned is this can mean different things for different people. While I don't think it's for me, I am intrigued and considering going out on a second date.

I would love to hear your opinions on this. Any poly sisters out there? For or against? Pros and cons, please.

What's a gal to do?

Sincerely,
Perplexed About Poly Priscilla

Sole Sister Advice

• This is not the type of relationship I could ever engage in, and I'm not sure how you convince yourself that it might work for you. If you are questioning it from the beginning, you might be kidding yourself, thinking it will work out.
  
  
• I'm sure it's great fun until it starts to hurt.
  
  
• It would be a no from me; you would have to be assured that you are okay with this and won't get emotionally attached and hurt. It would never work for immediate trust issues, for starters. In my opinion, a relationship is between two people.
  
  
• I was on a writer's retreat and shared my room with a woman in a poly relationship and asked her a million questions about her relationship and how it compared to monogamy for her. There are a million shades of polygamy. She was bisexual and in a sexual relationship with both parties in her relationship, so who knows what your date's setup is? My advice is to ask the man every question you have. And like everyone who doesn't fit the social norms - brace yourself for judgment. Choose what works for you because in 2023, you can love whoever you want as long as you're all consenting adults.
  
  
• Someone always gets hurt in those types of relationships. I know of a couple of people who have been in that type of relationship, and it did not go well for either. I would personally steer clear and go on my way.
  
  
• All of the comments here, plus concerns about STDs.
  
  
• I have to agree with everyone above. Unless this interests you - having multiple sexual partners, no strings attached - I do not see how it can work.
  
  
• This would not be the relationship for me, but I am curious about anyone else who would be.
  
  
• This would be a no for me. I have always required an emotional attachment before settling into a relationship. A poly relationship would not provide me with the feeling of security in the relationship I need to be happy. I struggle too much with insecurity and jealousy to consider it, but I do not judge how others choose to live their lives.
  
  
• If you are curious about the lifestyle and want more information, go on the second date. You enjoyed his company, but tell him that you are still determining if this will go any further and that you are looking for more clarification on the poly lifestyle.
  
  
• I could never be in a poly relationship. It's just not how I see a romantic partnership. I guess the traditional relationship model that society has dictated is far too ingrained in me. For me, it would feel as though I wasn't "enough" for him.
  
  
• You don't mention whether he would also be happy for you to have multiple partners. I have known some people who have open relationships, and in those cases, they privately admitted to fancying one party more than others, feeling jealous, insecure, etc. Would he expect you to have sex with him and others simultaneously, or are all of his women kept separate?
  
  
• I think it's fortunate that he was upfront about this, but be aware that he may want other things later (threesomes, swinging, etc). I was once approached on a dating site by someone who wanted to be cuckolded. I said it wasn't for me, and he said it didn't matter to him, but it became apparent later that it was very important. He wanted me to have sex with another man in front of him, but it had to mean nothing to me. I pointed out that most women don't have sex with men unless it means something!
  
  
• It sounds like you are not up for this, so I would advise you not to waste your time on this guy; it won't lead to a committed relationship; you will likely just be a f*** buddy. You will probably come across a lot more of this sort of thing online. I could write a book about it! But there are lovely blokes to be had if you stick at it, if that's what you want. My advice is to work out what is going to work for you and stick to it.
  
  
• You'll sure have a lot to talk about! If he becomes more of a friend with benefits than a romantic partner, and you're okay with sharing, it could work.
  
  
• You seem intrigued, so he must be an appealing and interesting guy.
  
  
• Is he quietly poly or into swinging and sex clubs? So much unknown territory and boundaries to test, I imagine.
  
  
• I recently met someone, and we really connected. We talked for hours.
  
  
• Then he did the same and told me he was poly. I did my research as I'd never known someone who was poly. I came back with "not for me."
  
  
• It depends on what you want, and if commitment is essential to you, then don't go any further with this man. I think you can get sex or this kind of relationship anywhere. Polyamory is nothing special. He's already setting the bar low. It's a life partner that can be counted on is what I want, and polyamory falls short of my standard. That being said, if you're looking for fun, you do you. But be careful. I've dated for a while, and often, these types of men lie, are married, and cheat on their wives.
  
  
• I have had multiple partners in the past, and they all fell short of a real connection and were a total waste of my time.
  
  
• I am just too old, so I couldn't. All good for those that can, but I barely have enough energy left for one relationship, let alone two!
  
  
• I know people in a true poly family, and it seems to work for them, but it philosophically goes far beyond "I can have sex with as many people as I want." They are a family, and they talk about EVERYTHING to make sure everyone is okay. They support each other and the other partners. It's beautiful, but they are not conventional people. I believe what they practice is true polyamory, whereas now that these things have become more known, every dude is suddenly ethically non-monogamous or poly, when what they mean is they want to date whoever they want and to not commit to anyone. These concepts becoming more mainstream is like a dream for every dude who wants anyone he wants with no repercussions. It was the nail in the coffin for my dating life (blissfully, I may add). Society is now permitting guys to fake adopt these principles when they really mean not that they are willing to do the work of a true poly family but that they want to be non-monogamous and get away with it. Many single guys are now single because heir previous relationships ended because they cheated. They tell you, and if you say "okay" or "I'll try", you end up being treated like shit and maybe with an STD, and if you are upset, they say, "What? I told you this was me?" Even if this guy is one of the real ones, it feels worth pointing out that in my friend's poly family, one woman who didn't choose a poly lifestyle fell in love with him and tried to learn to be part of the family for several years, in the end, went through a devastating breakup as she tried. Still, it wasn't what she chose or wanted or needed. When they broke up, she was alone, and he had his wife and other partner console him and get him through the breakup.
  
  
• Someone truly into this lifestyle would have it in their profile and would be looking for other truly poly or at least poly-curious people, not meeting non-poly women and seeing what he can get away with. Unless you are genuinely interested in a truly poly lifestyle (on your own, not just because a charming guy mentioned it), I'd walk away. The instant connection charmers can be good guys, but they can also be love bombers and narcissists. Find someone who wants to be with just you. That's hard enough, as we all know. That's just my opinion, but it's an educated one. 
  
  
• I agree that this guy is not seeking a genuinely equal polyamorous relationship. More likely, he wants to have sex with anyone he can get to agree while having someone he can turn to when he can't find anyone else or doesn't want to make the effort with or pay for a date with first on the off chance they will agree to sex.
  
  
• I have been debating adding my comments here, and I came here to do that, and you just said everything I was going to say. I also have a good friend in the poly lifestyle, and everything you said is 100% what I've seen her experience. When I read the post, my first thought was, "There are dating sites for people in every lifestyle; this guy needs to be there," not on a 'regular' site trying to shock or recruit people who are not actively seeking information about this lifestyle.
  
  
• I am so fascinated by this entire conversation. I have not dated since pre-internet days, and this conversation makes me feel old and out of date, LOL. I have heard of poly relationships because a friend was talking to me about how one of her adult children is poly, and she was grappling with that. When I got home from this conversation with my friend, I Googled polyamorous relationships and was stunned to find so many articles about it in mainstream outlets and realized this is a thing right now. It is overwhelming that this comes up in the natural course of modern dating. It must be daunting for those who grew up in a different era (even though we thought we were cutting edge with our free love). There is even an accepted label now: "ethical non-monogamy." Values and norms are changing very fast right now, and there might be a more significant gap between generations in terms of cultural norms than ever before. But all older people of all the times have felt this. I was once hip, progressive (radical even), on top of all the new stuff (no pun intended), and now conversations like this make me feel like a fuddy-duddy old lady. That is the way of the world.
  
  
• I love that so many of you have informed and thought opinions and experience. I'm amazed.
  
  
• This astounds me. Being committed in a relationship with one person is ancient, Fuddy Duddy, and something of the past?? I've been married 34 years, and while there are challenges, the profound depth of love the 2 of us have worked at is unbreakable, and there is certainly nothing old-fashioned about it.
  
  
• Stay away. Clearly, he has issues.
  
  
• They've put a name on it!! I'll call it what it is, f_ _ _ ing around!! Or friends with benefits!! SOS!!
  
  
• Goodness me! I'm pretty sure from comments by girlfriends about their husbands and the amount of illness in guys around me that they'd be hard-pressed to 'service' anyone, much less a few gals at the same time. What about the expense of going on dates, even if both go Dutch? What about when the love life would take updating a few at once? And I still need to get to the loss of memory thingy and how that could interfere LOL! It sounds like a get-out-of-jail card or a more effortless and gentler way a person can let someone down if they don't want to pursue the relationship. I admire every single one of you who get back up and date again, well done you. That's what I call brave!
  
  
• As someone who has had 2 long-term relationships with very little break between I sometimes did not take any time to experiment. I've had friends who have had been single longer and had fun and exciting times. At this point in my life, if I was single, I might look differently at relationships. Women that are 50 plus are at the best time of their lives, confident, educated, knowledgeable, independent… and if they want to be with a man or women they are attracted to so be it. No judgement here. As a happily married woman, I want to know the details. FYI - I have never heard of poly and will now Google it.

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