Body Hating Barbara - Just Jill, Rambler Cafe Blog

Just Jill is the creation of Jill Cohen Morris. Jill is an avid rambler and mother of two from Toronto, Canada with a remarkable zest for life and a fabulous sense of humor.

Dear Just Jill,

I’m 58, and I’m a body shamer. I body shame myself. I always have.

Just to be clear, I do not have an eating disorder. Truthfully I just don’t want the body I was born with. I’m not sure whose body I want.

Then I start to feel so guilty because I should love and appreciate my body … but I don’t.

I hear these women say oh, my body is my temple, and all I want to do is poke their eyes out. My body is my temple, too. It’s just not the temple of my choice!!

I’m a reasonably fit person, work out, and eat well ( most of the time), but I’m not a size 6 or a size 8, or a size 10… Parts are drooping, and other parts look like cottage cheese… you get the picture.

There is much talk today about body acceptance, but I can’t seem to buy into it. I wish I could accept my body.

How do I accept myself? How do I learn to love myself exactly as I am?

What’s a gal to do?

Sincerely,
Body Hating Barbara

Sole Sister Advice

I have had this inner dialogue with myself for most of my life. Luckily, I've been able to temper it with pragmatism so that it hasn't been a destructive voice. Often I can soften this voice with humor.
Accepting our bodies is a bit like pursuing happiness - and apparently, we're supposed to do that with frequent moments where we mark our gratitude. It's hard, though, isn't it? I'll give it a whirl - I'm grateful I can galumph my way through a ballet class. Your turn.
Oh, this is a huge topic for me; being on the chubby side of average for my entire life, I haven't gone a day without thinking about it. Not only do I shame my body, but I shame other chubby bodies (secretly in my head). I don't believe I have lived a single week since I was 10 years old when I didn't resolve to lose weight.
It is so deeply ingrained that I doubt I will over fully overcome it. I've been surprised to find out that women with what I think is an ideal body type also feel shame. Realizing that was an eye-opener for me.
I am doing a few things to ease this obsession, if not cure it. First, I will never go on a diet again and don't restrict my eating. I eat what I want when I want. I started doing this 2 years ago and lost 15 pounds. When people talk about restricted eating or diets around me, I smile and block it out. I don't read about diets either. Diets don't work. Science proves this. My life experience has proven this hundreds of times over.
I try to eat healthy and be conscious of not overindulging, but that is it. There is also a thin line between disordered eating and hiding behind restrictive diets that banish different foods for different reasons. It has become trendy to hide disordered eating in healthy eating trends (even the ones that are good for the planet). The second is admitting I will never be "thin" - this is hard. I falter all the time. But really, that is a fact, and the more I accept it, the happier I will be.
I've stopped focusing my fitness goals on weight loss. I do activities that I love without worrying about if they are the most effective way to become lean. I don't like gyms or weights. I love to ramble without thought of fitness. So that is what I do. This is making me thinner as well. I feel great. Healthier than I have ever felt, and I get way more exercise because I don't dread the workout.
One new thing I am doing is following body positivity creators on the internet. There is a big wide world of this. Millennials are doing so much better than us with this. They are fighting the good fight to change these norms so deeply ingrained in our generation that we cannot even imagine living in a world where we don't hate our bodies.
How many of you love your body. None of you, I bet. If you do, tell us how you do it.
I genuinely think that for this to change, it needs to be a social movement that changes culture - how can we love our bodies when our culture sets impossible standards and sexualizes and harshly judges every inch of our skin.
Change happens (civil rights, feminism, all of it) from social movements. And there is a body positivity social movement that is growing. I don't participate, but I follow along. Seeing imperfect bodies day after day in my social media feed has been so incredibly powerful for me, so I seek this out. Here is a link to some body positive influencers.
I am so with you on this topic. While I am not hugely overweight, my mother, 4 sisters, and I have all struggled with weight throughout our lives. The thought of wearing anything that shows my round belly, jiggly thighs, and bottom, or my saggy breasts "port near down to my nest" would horrify me. And I also struggle with Rubenesque ladies in bikinis, but I know that's my problem, not theirs! I do as you do, eat whatever I want in reasonable portions, and try to stay active. I think I have been so thoroughly brainwashed that there is no way I will ever get over this, but I can make sure I don't pass it on to my grandchildren! The photo would be my worst nightmare, especially with a little one looking on!
Easier said than done, but try viewing your body from the inside rather than how it looks on the outside. On a fundamental level, our body's purpose is to keep us alive and, for women, give life (childbirth). That's it. Every day your body performs automatically to keep you alive. Try thinking of how miraculous your body is, not what it looks like. Thank it for everything it does.
I've never met a woman who said they were happy with their body, no matter what size/shape. Don't forget the beauty/diet/fashion industry makes a fortune out of women's insecurities with their bodies.
The more we learn to appreciate and respect our bodies for what they do rather than how they look, the happier we will feel about them.
Look up Centre of Excellence - they do online courses and do a Body Love diploma. Also, check out Bill Bryson's book The Body to learn all about the miracle that is your body!
Change the goal. Aim to get to neutral, not necessarily positive. I got there through sports — finding the ones that are fun & play to my abilities (in my case, strength and excellent balance, so skiing and rowing) made a massive difference to how I felt about my body. It was very freeing to give up things like running that hurt and made me feel like a failure. Strength training helps, too — nothing empowers like feeling strong.
Though it sounds frivolous, building a wardrobe that fits me and expresses my personality helps too. This was challenging, but I found a couple of stores that carry my size range with staff that treat me like a valued customer and not a second-class citizen (one is a thrift store, but this can be cheap). Dressing well reminds me that I value myself.
Follow social media influencers who celebrate themselves as they are and dress with joy, and unsubscribe from any channel that makes you feel "less than." Curate your feeds to normalize the natural variety of the human form. There's more than one way to be beautiful.
This is a fascinating topic for me. I, too, have body shaming of my own, but mine is related to an eating disorder in my late teens. In my opinion, an eating/body image disorder is never cured but instead managed. I have struggled on and off through the years. Still, I would say that pregnancies were my saving grace because I was thinking about someone other than myself and how my choices would impact our babies. I struggled with the weight gain on the scale but did everything I could correctly and had three healthy babies. I turned my eating obsession into an exercise obsession on and off through the years (I've settled into a vigorous but healthy routine), and this has been useful in actuality because it tamps down my longtime depression. I have learned I need to get my heart rate up to feel mentally balanced. Sweat is my friend!
So here I am in my late 50s; I finally have learned to accept my body for what it can do, not how it looks. But there are days when I look at all others around me and see them looking comfortable in their skin no matter their size -or so I might think. I feel disgusting even at a fit size 4.My eyes cannot see what is in front of me. Although possible, many years of building distorted neural pathways are challenging to correct. I've done quite a bit of cognitive behavioral therapy over the years to reroute the pathways that were so embedded. I don't think I'll ever truly love this body in the mirror, but it rarely lets me down when I ask it to complete a challenging task or take me where I want it to go. So I take the good mental loving myself days and embrace them, and the other days, I try to be gentle with myself and remember that it's the old brain ruts sneaking in. The struggle is real. Feels good to say it out loud here.
Thank you for sharing. I can imagine how hard the struggle is, and kudos to you for getting through this. I watched my daughter struggle with an eating disorder too, and though she is doing better, I know that it's an ongoing process; I have tried to learn so that I can be a supportive parent and build a healthier environment for her.
Oh, so much good stuff here! I, too, am a self-confessed body shamer. I have some scars I have tried hard to hide my entire life, and I started dieting in high school. But like others, I gradually gained more back each time I lost weight! I have now settled on a healthy size 12ish, sometimes 10, sometimes 14, and I can live with it. I try and catch myself now when the negative self-talk starts and pull myself back to try instead of feeling gratitude for all my body does for me each day. As I have written here before, I also thought of myself as "not good at sports" when I am REALLY GOOD at some sports, like running and cycling. They are individual, self-motivated, high-output cardio activities I love.
Currently, I am training for several long-distance road cycling events. While I feel strong and confident, doing some of my best times, I am still much heavier than most other women riders. They seem to me like little 'stick people.' I can feel embarrassed to have to wear the spandex shorts around them, but c'est la vie! I must work harder with my extra weight on the bike, but I can still ride faster than most. And at 61, I keep getting faster. For that, I thank my body every day.
I lost 50 lbs on during Covid and for the first time, I could look at a picture of myself and feel like I looked normal, not fat. Since that time, I've gained most of it back. I'm not going to return to the diet I tried, but I am trying to be more conscious of what I eat or drink because I felt better physically when I was not as heavy. We are planning another big hike for my husband's 70th next year, and I want to feel good during it. But it is just so hard when you enjoy food and drink!
I like to think of what my body does for me - it has taken me around the world, has recovered from injury and illness, and popped out two children. Unsurprisingly, it shows signs of wear and tear! I reward its hard work by eating healthily, exercising and resting. It's no oil painting, but it's mine. Where would I be without it?
I love all the responses to Barbara's struggle, such an emotionally loud question. We need to remember that society's perception changes of what the perfect female body should look like. Having a voluptuous figure has, throughout history, been a sign of beauty and health. Hopefully, with the current movement toward body inclusivity, the next generation will be able to embrace who they are with love and joy.
Bravo to all who focus on what our bodies provide for us. Staying focused on eating healthy to feed our bodies, as well as not denying ourselves the pleasure in life and keeping active so that we can continue to ramble well into our golden years.
This is definitely something I struggle with too. Never loved my body. I have dieted and had an off and on again relationship with fitness. My daughter developed an eating disorder as a teen. I felt so guilty about my obsession with weight and body image that I gave her the wrong message. When I got more into fitness lately, using the interactive fit platform on my treadmill, I learned so much. Now I enjoy fitness and running for the love of it and how it makes me feel mentally and how it makes me feel healthy and strong. I think this is also a way better example for my daughter than trying to get skinny. I don't diet anymore and am careful about my words, especially around her; I eat "healthy." It helped my relationship with food and my body image too. Do I love my body? Probably not, but I am happier in my skin than I used to be; I'm still a work in progress, but I'm getting there.
An added challenge to acceptance is our ever-changing relationship with our bodies - puberty, pregnancy (for some), menopause, genetic, lifestyle, or age-related changes.
Joseph Campbell writes in The Power of Myth: "The problem in middle life, when the body has reached its climax of power and begins to decline, is to identify yourself, not with the body, which is falling away, but with the consciousness of which it is a vehicle. This is something I learned from myths. What am I? Am I the bulb that carries the light? Or am I the light of which the bulb is a vehicle? One of the psychological problems in growing old is the fear of death. People resist the door of death. But this body is a vehicle of consciousness, and if you can identify with the consciousness, you can watch this body go like an old car. There goes the fender, there goes the tire, one thing after another— but it's predictable. And then, gradually, the whole thing drops off, and consciousness rejoins consciousness. It is no longer in this particular environment."
This is a very interesting post to me & appreciate everyone's comments. For me, I am grateful this body is moving, particularly as I age. I try to stay active, eat right, & stay flexible though changes are happening. Even with my self-care routine, it does its own thing, and I look to accept it wherever I am in the present moment. I can only take control over doing the best in my self-care routine as my body changes which I can't control. This post has been very thought-provoking, and we all struggle with different things that get us more than other things. Finding resources that make us feel better about yourselves is essential.