Just Jill is the creation of Jill Cohen Morris. Jill is an avid rambler and mother of two from Toronto, Canada with a remarkable zest for life and a fabulous sense of humor.
Dear Just Jill,
I've been ghosted ... by a good friend, or I thought she was a good friend.
It's hard to believe at 58, this is happening. This is a friend who I have known since I was 15. We share so much history.
At my age, who does this?? This reminds me of high school mean-girl behavior.
Honestly, I have no idea why! I keep wracking my brain but coming up with nothing. I just don't understand what happened. I've tried reaching out, but my calls and texts have yet to be answered or returned.
I can't seem to get her out of my head. I'm sad. I'm angry, and I'm confused. Has anyone else experienced this?
How did you get over a friend's breakup?
What's a gal to do?
Sincerely,
Ghosted Gilda
Sole Sister Advice & Comments
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Dear Ghosted Gilda, take heart and know that you are not alone. Generally, we often think it's something we've done... but friends tell me it may be the ghost. Be kind to yourself. In my experience, I focused on making new friends and finding patience. And I know it hurts. Sending you love.
- So often, we blame ourselves without understanding what might be happening to the other person. Yep, it hurts. But imagine how much they are hurting to drop such a long friendship!
- It could be the other person—a physical or mental health problem with her or a family member. My in-law's female members all had mental health problems starting in their 50s. Let it go, then send a note, and let her know you are there whenever she'll ready.
- I agree that, more often than not, it's not you; it's them. When this happened to me with a childhood friend, I went through a period of anger, frustration, and sadness. Our parents are old friends; we've known each other since birth. The rift came in our early 20s. I'd written letters, sent little memory gifts, etc. I finally sent a letter telling her that when she was ready, I was here for her, no matter what; I love her and hope she knows that if there is anything I can do for her, all she has to do is ask.
- Last year, 20+ years later, we met up again. She was ready. It was as if nothing had changed, and yet everything had. We met each other's kids and caught up. While we are not super close, it definitely healed the wound.
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I've not experienced it myself, but my sister-in-law ghosted a friend as someone else had said something that the other person had done, and she believed them. Both the ghost and ghosted were equally sad, and neither understood what went wrong. If I were in your position, I would buy a bunch of flowers, write a card saying I miss them, and deliver them. They will either let you in or not. Either way, you will know you have done all possible to repair the relationship. I agree that it is the ghost that has the issue. We always blame ourselves, but it is very likely something they are going through. All the best.
- I have had two dear friends (each separately) who have recently gone thru a horrible life experience. I texted both through a text and let them know that I would love to be there for them when they were ready. Each of them took over a month to reach out. They were both in so much heartache and sorrow that each needed time to process their feelings and do everything they could to stay afloat. People need time to process life. Don't assume or take anything personally. We never know what someone else is going through.
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In my younger days, I'd catch myself being the "moth to the flame" when something loomed between a friend and me. Confusion would lure me to the person again and again. I wanted to know! Time would eventually reveal the facts, and I'd finally let the relationship go. So many on this thread are correct - it's usually "their stuff,"; not ours. Now in my older years, if the person doesn't care enough about me to come and talk about "whatever" so we can clear things up, I have to let it go. Guess this moth has had enough burns on her wings.
- I have pulled back significantly from almost everything in the past few years. Although I don't believe anyone feels I have ghosted them, I can't be sure. Before reading this thread, it hadn't really occurred to me, so hopefully, it's not something I have done. It's sometimes just too hard to explain what we are going through, and sometimes it's painful to be around people that are together when we are not, no matter how happy we are for them. At least sometimes, when people disappear, it's because they are struggling.
- I have also had this happen to me, and it was very upsetting not to understand why. However, when I think about it, I have also done this to friends of mine. The reason is that, time, it just felt like the right each time thing to do, although I may have hurt their feelings as well. Sometimes it's just time to let go. Friendships are never guaranteed to last.
- The pandemic has hurt us on many levels, especially socially concerning relationships. Isolation was very damaging. I recently read about how social loss, such as what many experienced, can cause grief, depression, and hopelessness, manifesting in shutting down and walls going up. I am one of them. Having my social connections severed for various reasons has caused me much pain, sorrow, and loss of self. Getting back out there is hard, but I am working at it. This is my experience as I am the "ghost," and I am pretty sure people are wondering why. I am not myself, and my heart is not in it. It's a self-preservation tactic for now until I feel better.
- I know how you are feeling. If not for having to get up and go to work and face people each day, I would be shutting myself up too. I live in Melbourne, which was locked down for the longest time in all parts of Australia. I recently talked to a psychologist, and she told me many of her patients tell her that they secretly wish we were back living in lockdowns again because they feel so disconnected and don't want to re-engage. Good luck with your journey.
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