Starting Over Sandra - Just Jill

Just Jill is the creation of Jill Cohen Morris. Jill is an avid Rambler and mother of two from Toronto, Canada, with a remarkable zest for life and a fabulous sense of humor.

Dear Just Jill,

I recently divorced after 30 years of marriage. I feel like I am stepping into a completely different world. The thought of dating again absolutely terrifies me. I have no idea how things work anymore, and honestly, I don’t even know if I am ready for it. 

I cannot imagine being with another man. At the same time, I don’t want to spend the rest of my life alone. I miss having someone to share my life with, but I am scared of putting myself out there and getting hurt. How do I figure out if I am really ready to start dating again? And if I am, where do I even begin?

I feel so out of my depth. Dating seems so different now than it did when I was younger. I’m afraid I won't know what I’m doing or how to connect with someone again. 

Looking for advice from my wise Sole Sisters. How do I get over my fear? What if I am no good at this “dating thing”? What if I just end up feeling more alone?

What’s a gal to do?

Sincerely,

Starting Over Sandra

Sole Sister Advice & Comments

• My advice would be not to throw yourself into another relationship and give yourself time to get through the grieving process. Join groups that you have or want to develop an interest in. Folks often find new friends and perhaps a new partner that way who shares their interests. Website dating is precarious these days, and I’ve seen many women get hurt by folks misrepresenting themselves. Hugs to you.
  
  
• Why rush? Besides, just because you don’t have a partner doesn’t mean you’ll spend the rest of your life alone. Cultivate friendships, hobbies, and volunteer work. You don’t need a man to have a full life!
  
  
• Don’t try “to figure it out.” You have to recover. Thirty years of marriage is a long time, and you have to become a single person for now. Go out with friends and have a bit of fun. You may discover interests you didn’t know you had. Good luck!
  
  
• I wouldn’t rush into another relationship. Give yourself permission and time to grieve your loss of a 30-year marriage. Discover yourself as a single, independent woman and find what you enjoy doing. Go out with friends, make new friends, and take time for yourself. The dating world is a mess, especially online, with so many scammers!! I lost my husband to cancer 4 years ago, and I am just starting in the dating world. Take the time to heal and then see where you are at and what you want.
  
  
• So much good advice here. I've been married for 38 years. If something happened to find me single again, I'd be done with relationships. I wouldn't need a man in my life anymore. I think this is a really personal situation. I would just say take your time.
  
  
• Lots of great advice here to not rush. I have been through a divorce, and it took me a long time to be ready to date again. But if and when you are ready, don't discount online dating. I met my partner, and almost everyone I know met theirs on various platforms. I won't say it was easy because it wasn't! Be very cautious out there. Take care of yourself first and foremost. 
  
  
• Remember, many males feel as cautious as you. I met my second husband online.
  
  
• If you're lonely.… I made an effort to reach out to more friends, both male and female, and make new ones. Definitely don't discount online options. I made some great male friends who live outside of my city and who have been fantastic supports without pressure. They are fun to chat with and to be looked out for.
  
  
• Yep dating is waaaaay different. My advice: treat it like a game. Do NOT take it seriously. And understand that guys are ageist. Dudes your age will want to date women 20 years younger. It's unfair but it's the world we live in.
  
  
• Lots of good advice already. Don’t rush the grieving process. There is no hurry. Maybe join some volunteer activities to help others, and over time, perhaps you’ll make some friends, too.
  
  
• A marker of longevity with women is a great social network. A marker of longevity for men is a woman to look after them. They want a purse or a nurse. Find girlfriends to do walks, game nights, and fitness activities. Build your support group and decide if you want to let anyone else benefit from your amazing life. 
  
  
• My sister said she looks at a relationship and evaluates what she has given and received. Lots of times she introduces them to many great activities and fun yet they had little to bring to her life. If you need someone to take out the garbage, but they don’t make life more joyful, just do it yourself on the way out to your fitness class!
  
  
• Make new friends, join groups like Sole Sister Ramblers, and just enjoy the life you have.
  
  
• Wait and really be ready. Enjoy this time finding the “ single you “ and open up to new adventures, hobbies, activities, travel groups, etc. You will find that special someone when you are really ready and in a good place.
  
  
•  I was married for 28 years and faced the same dilemma. Start first by finding women you enjoy being with, then look into groups that interest you. I joined a singles yacht club after 3 years of adjusting to myself. It’s so different to just choose for yourself! Revel in that for a while, and listen to your thoughts and wishes. Explore single options, there are so many more now geared to solo people. The yacht club literally changed my life… but I needed to be at the point to want that without being needy. Learn to stand alone before you stand beside someone. You will be just fine!
  
  
• Don't rush. If you don't know whether you're ready to date, well, then you've answered your own question: You're not. And that's okay! 
  
  
• I watched a great podcast the other day. It discussed how all human beings are born to love, but we are not born knowing how to date. Dating is a total mindset, very hard work, and an acquired skillset. If dating muscles haven't been used for years, they will need tuning up.
  
  
• Take the time to enjoy and explore being on your own. Cultivate new friends. Get back at that sport or musical instrument, or write, crochet, paint your hallway, or grow your own herbs—there are endless choices. 
  
  
• You know how to have relationships, that is certain! For dating, ironically, one needs to know how to be on their own...in order to date again. When you're ready...you'll know simply by the fact you won't have to ask yourself the question.
  
  
• After my divorce, I took a course called DivorceCare. I recommend it to everyone I know getting, going through, or after a divorce. Their recommendation is to wait to date for a month for every year you were married. You need to find yourself first!! Please do not believe the myth that you are not a full woman without a man! You may find that you like yourself so much that who is you don't want to date! Try it!
  
  
• There is a show on Netflix called The Later Daters 55 Plus. It's very well done and directed by Michelle Obama. It's interesting even for those not in the dating world.
  
  
• I think it’s really healthy to learn to live on one’s own, to be very comfortable with your own company. Just work on building and maintaining a variety of healthy, happy friendships with other single people. We all need friends.
  
  
• My cousin remarried rather quickly after he divorced…his new wife was also recently divorced…because neither of them took time to work on themselves; their new marriage is struggling now.
  
  
• How brave you are to even think of dating. I can't even imagine. I hope you can join a Sole Circle or leverage this community however you can to connect with other women and find community while you start this transition. I hope you find a lot of joy - whether in a community of friends or a new relationship.
  
  
• I just celebrated my 21st anniversary of loving myself and being single—it is fabulous. I have surrounded myself with friends and family and have the most awesome little one-bedroom apartment that caters to my every whim!!
  
  

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