Baffled Becky's Friendship Problems - Just Jill

Just Jill is the creation of Jill Morris. Jill is an avid Rambler and married mother of two from Toronto, Canada with a remarkable zest for life and a fabulous sense of humor.

Dear Just Jill,

I have a friend, a good friend in fact. We have a long history. We have so much fun together. She is a big part of my life. I do value our friendship.

You are probably thinking, what’s the downside? Here it is … anytime I share something in my life, she feels the need to one-up me. If, for whatever reason, she can’t think of anything, she changes the subject completely. For example, when my daughter was accepted into the graduate school of her dreams, instead of saying, “Wow, I am so happy for her. Congrats,” she started talking about her son’s accomplishments. There have been many times when I’m telling a story in a group setting, and she will simply walk away.

It’s all so bizarre because she truly is a good person. I am baffled by her behavior. I find it hurtful … I’m not even sure if she realizes how hurtful this is to me.

I need advice from my wise Sole Sisters. I do not want to end the friendship, so please don’t suggest that. Do I confront her, or do I let it be? Does anyone else have a friend like this? How have you handled it?

What’s a gal to do?

Sincerely

Baffled Becky

Sole Sister Advice & Comments  

• Maybe tell your good news to someone else who is more receptive. It sounds like your friend might be very competitive or insecure, so accept that and try not to let it get to you.
  
  
• I also have a friend like this. I accept her for who she is, and I know that it comes from a place of great insecurity. I have never had a conversation with her because I don't think it would help at all. I just try to build her up, and I don't expect anything more than she can give. I tell my good news to friends who build me up.

• Sounds like she needs help conquering social conversation skills. Maybe give her a heads-up by text so she can process it and then be more receptive in person.
  
  
• You have history, and you have fun together. You mention sharing things with her and telling stories in a group. Are they usually successes you talk about? Could this be seen as bragging? Do you ask about her kids, etc., and show equivalent sincere interest in her family and life at times when it would not be seen as contrasting your success with her perhaps lesser success?
  
  
• Better the devil, you know…. Sounds like ADD to me. I know. I am one.
  
  
• I really wouldn’t let it bother you, but if it does, then absolutely say something.
  
  
• I had a friendship like this. It got completely out of control during the pandemic. I had to let go. I still mourn it sometimes, but then I remember how destructive that relationship was and how, since then, I haven’t had to deal with that energy. In my case, I had tried to discuss it multiple times and nothing changed because she wasn’t interested in change. Everything was always someone else’s issue, and it was never Hers. Friendships sometimes have a life and it’s ok to walk away.
  
  
• You may want to try a different approach or include your successes or pride moments with a question so it forces her to engage. For example: "My daughter was accepted into graduate school. What do you think I should get her as a congratulations gift? Change the delivery and see what she says.
  
  
• I have a friend who taught me good conversational skills by showing, not telling. I would come away from a conversation and realize I'd spent the whole time talking about me because she kept asking questions. It took a while for me to get good at it, but now I make a point of asking her things so she talks, too. Maybe you and your friend would benefit from this kind of approach.
  
  
• Instead of sharing about your daughter's accomplishments, try asking your friend about her kids. It might be hard at first, but it will be WAY more comfortable than a confrontation. It might take a while to work, but I suspect it will, and in the meantime, you'll learn lots more about her, too. 
  
  
• I sometimes realize after the fact that I have done the same. I make a concerted effort to ask about them as well. Also on the ADHD spectrum, but that’s no excuse.
  
  
• If she is that close of a friend, tell her. It is possible she has ADHD. This is a common personality trait with that. No harm is meant.
  
  
• I had a similar friend. I thought she was a good person, but it turns out I overlooked and excused certain things. She is a covert narcissist. She was only my friend when it suited her. I would advise you to take a step back and really look at it objectively. As others suggest, find people who are genuinely pleased to share with you.
  
  
• I might have been guilty of responding similarly, thinking it shows I have a connection with what was shared….not trying to one-up.
  
  
• I used to do this, also thinking I was trying to relate to the subject or experience, not trying to one up. A coworker, who I consider also a good friend, actually pointed it out to me. She took it as I was trying to relate, but she says when I do that I make it about me. I could have gotten upset at her bluntness; I was hurt to know that was how it was being taken, but I turned it into a learning opportunity. I try not to do that as much now.
  
  
• I had a friend exactly like this. I was always listening to her good news and successes, but when I had something to share, it was like she didn’t even hear it. Some people can only see themselves and may also lack self-confidence, so it makes them feel good to one-up you. I found this type of friendship to be so draining, but I don’t regret letting it go because it gives me room in my life for people who genuinely want to hear about me.
  
  
• Someone else suggested that you lay off on the sharing of things that might make her feel inadequate (and elicit the one-upmanship responses). I think that might be a useful tactic; if nothing else, you will see what makes her tick a bit more. I have a friend who has to be super positive no matter what; when my mum was dying, the family was imploding a bit, and I remember venting about how crazy my sister was getting, and instead of saying, "Aww, that sucks!" she'd look for the silver lining in all my clouds. It drove me MAD because I felt that I was just getting lectured about my misery-guts venting, but eventually, I accepted that that's who she is. She has a pathological fear of acknowledging the dark stuff. 
  
  
• My (pretty negative) mom always used to say that people only want to hear your BAD news. I think that may be true of some.
  
  
• Don’t throw away a real friendship, Becky. Let it go. You probably know why she reacts the way she does. Competitiveness rears its ugly head even with the best of friends. I know what it’s like to lose a bunch of old friends at a time in my life when I needed them the most. It’s painful. My bestie and I met when we were eleven, and she has always stood by me unconditionally. She’s the only one, but you know the saying…one good friend who will support you even when you disagree is all you really need.
  
  
• My partner calls these people your "Eleven-erife" friends....e.g., if you've been to Tenerife, they've been to Eleven-erife. Not much help to you, but the description is so spot on, and it made me laugh
  
  
• All friends are challenging, each in their own special ways -- ME the most! One friend I adore has a special little arm stroke she does to me when I am talking too much. I can get excited and take up more than my fair share of the airways when I am having an especially good time or am excited to see someone. My advice is to laugh it off because it sounds like you love her and people are flawed.
  
  
• It's hard to know...depends on all the other dynamics, of course. I can get excited and a little hyper sometimes...it mostly happens, though, when first meeting new people. It's a combo of nerves, high energy, and bubbling over. I'm pretty sure some people find it annoying, lol. I am trying to curb my enthusiasm. But with friends known for longer...I settle down. I am getting better at just calming and thinking, "Plenty of time to talk...Nature gave us one mouth and two ears and two eyes because we are supposed to observe and listen 4x more than open our mouths". Lol. But fun makes me hyper at times. 
  
  
• I had a long-time friend who was very negative. She curbed my enthusiasm when I was happy about work, or an achievement, or met a cute fellow. We were besties for about ten years, and then we broke off. She reached out 3 years later, and we were friends for another thirteen years. She had dropped the negativity but switched to talking about herself. There were times when I literally listened to her talk for three hours straight...the only time I spoke was asking questions about what she was saying to me. I realized it was either sitting and listening to her for hours or if I tried to talk about anything, her negativity kicked in. The friendship ended...basically she grew tired of talking to mostly herself when we were out. I let it fade. We had a fantastic time and will always remember them fondly. 

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