Worried Mom Melinda - Just Jill

  Just Jill is the creation of Jill Cohen Morris. Jill is an avid rambler and married mother of two from Toronto, Canada, with a remarkable zest for life and a fabulous sense of humor. 

Dear Just Jill,

My daughter has a boyfriend. She’s so happy. She is no longer dependent on me. She is thirty. She is living her own life as an adult. She has a full-time job, supports herself and lives on her own. I should be happy for her.

So what’s the problem you ask? He is. I can’t stand him!! I think he’s totally wrong for her and taking advantage of her. She could do so much better. He is unemployed and doesn’t appear to have any ambition. I can’t say for sure but I think she is supporting him. She has blinders on when it comes to him.

I want to say something to her but am so afraid that I will create a rift between the two of us or worse she may not talk to me again.

I need advice from my wise Sole Sisters. Have any of you gone through something like this? Did you speak up?

What’s a gal to do?

Sincerely,

Worried Mom Melinda

Sole Sister Advice & Comments

• I can appreciate why you are concerned, however, at 30 years old you get to make your own choice of partner regardless of what people think. May I suggest you spend more time with them both- have them over for a meal, go hiking together. Take the time to get to know him and see how they are together. That way, should you still feel the same way your daughter may be more open to hearing what you have to say knowing that you’re not making a snap decision. Also, your daughter will have friends that she confides in and hopefully her friends will also be able to speak freely to her if your first impressions are indeed correct.
  
  
• Try having fun times with her..like coffee (no advice, just fun). Fill her with kindness and hope so she sees you are valuable in her life. Him, she just has to learn on her own unfortunately.
  
  
• I’ve been there. My daughter and I were unhealthily codependent. She will be 40 this year with 2 small children who have an absentee addict Dad. I’ve watched her wrestle with the baggage of addiction and abuse. I finally realized I just needed to get out of her way so she could make and own her choices. We’re thrilled she’s found happiness and recovery through the last 4 years and, while grateful to us for the support, she gets to claim the credit for the hard work. As a family we welcomed her and the kids but not him due to the abuse. My biggest lesson - I needed to learn to detach with love, not just detach. I thank Al-Anon every day for that teaching. Lots of great books - Melody Beattie’s Co-dependent No More is a daily reader with very sage advice. Good luck to you and her as you create healthier boundaries 
  
  
• Ugh! I can’t stand freeloading men!!! I would have a conversation with her if it was my daughter.
  
  
• Mine married that boyfriend. We've been concerned for a while. He cut his mother out of their lives, so I've never said anything but my husband has recently.
  
  
• The only thing you need to be concerned with is if she’s happy.
  
  
• Key word is “adult”. Her decisions and the consequences of them, are hers. As difficult as it is to watch your child make what you think is a mistake, unless your advice is requested, keep it zipped. Spending quality time with her and them together is positive. If she feels comfortable coming to you when there are issues, you can suggest counselling.
  
  
• If you want to keep your daughter in your life, grin and bear your concerns - but be there if it all falls apart. That’s what being a parent to an adult entails.
  
  
• Your daughter is 30…hopefully she will think through having children or not. If there are not children involved…then perhaps less worry (as long as he’s not abusive, does not have an addiction issue, and doesn’t have a personality disorder). 
  
  
• Tough position for you as her mother…wanting the best for your daughter. I think of my poor Mom regarding a couple of fellows I went out with around age 30. Despite her way of calling it straight and not using her edit button enough, even back then…she never criticized my boyfriends at the time, nor even afterwards. It probably was a good thing she didn’t. My parents chose to just “be curious”. He came over for dinners, and my Mom and Dad asked him to help with a few things around the house. My Dad said a couple of things to me, privately…just casually…something like “How come ‘P’ doesn’t treat you or take you out or even want to go for a bike ride?”. I said “well he can’t afford a good bike…or tickets”. Dad: “Mmmm. Well hopefully, one day, things will turn around for him. Just make sure you do what you want to do…don’t let his lot in life stop you from living yours”. About a month later I broke up with “P”. My Dad’s words resonated…very soft guidance…didn’t even clue in that that was what he was doing at the time.
  
  
• I have a 30 year old daughter and have been in your situation. As her concerned mother I asked the questions. Is he looking for work? Are you supporting him? Finances can really throw a wrench into a relationship. Not many survive before the one supporting becomes fed up. I know it's difficult but you'll feel better addressing it rather than sitting on the sidelines. She may be angry with you at first but she will see your concerns in time.
  
  
• My advice is say nothing ---- unless you want to end up estranged from your daughter. She is an adult like you said and not in physical or emotional danger.
  
  
• I don’t have a daughter and I met my true partner at 51 and got married at 55 for the first and I hope,only time. In my years and years and years of dating there were a lot of bad choices. My mom always pretended to like them and be nice to them because she trusted I would eventually realize they weren’t right and it would end. In retrospect, I loved that my mom was always nice for my sake and trusted me to take care of myself. We were best friends and I miss her every day.
  
  
• My experience is: be there for love and support and as long as there is no abuse involved, treat them both with respect and kindness. Your daughter is an adult who gets to make her own choices and live with the results. You say she's "so happy" ....that sounds like a good thing, so let her be. It's not your relationship to judge or be in, so unless asked, keep your feelings to yourself. Maybe try to get to know her boyfriend better, in a non-judgmental way. It's important not to alienate your daughter over this, and to let her know you're always there for her (in a supporting role, as needed)
  
  
• if this was happening in reverse and your daughter wasn’t working but supported by her boyfriend wouldn’t you be glad. Finances can be lopsided in a partnership. As you say your daughter is so happy at the moment. Be part of her joy. Support her choice, she’s an adult. Otherwise you risk alienating her. Whatever you decide, I wish you well.
  
  
• Don’t criticize your child’s chosen partner…they may or may not ever decide they’re unhappy with their decision regarding the partner but if you push too hard, you may end up estranged from your child. You have to trust that you did the best you could to teach them all you could about how to advocate for themselves, how to love and be loved, be respected, and be a good human being. Once they fly the nest, you must also know and accept that they are autonomous adults with free will, making their own way in life and that may look different than it did (or does) for you. It’s hard…really hard to let your adult child be an adult, complete with the consequences of their actions. Your job now is to be there - like a pinch hitter in baseball or a 2nd string QB in football….they may not get called in to the game but they are always ready to play just in case
  
  
• My mother was manipulative and aggressive when judging my boyfriend(s) using comments like “if you marry HIM don’t invite me to the wedding. I didn’t marry till I was in my mid 30s cause I didn’t find anyone I wanted to marry but they were good for some fun. My mother should have stayed out of it and realized I was having fun and I would make the right decision (if a decision needed to be made).
  
  
• Don’t say anything. She’ll need you when her eyes finally open. Keep the (non-judgmental) communication going
  
  
• Don't say anything negative about him. It will make it easier for her to leave him when she is ready. My mother criticized my boy's father. I stayed longer in a very difficult situation because I was trying to prove to myself and my family that I could make it work and that I didn't make the wrong decision. I didn't feel safe to ask for help from my critics. It might be a good idea for you to find support for your feelings and deep concerns. Sending you all my compassion. It's very hard to witness, I'm sure.
  
  
• Unconditional love during times like these are vital. She’s an adult and can make her own choices which you may disagree with but your love and support for her shouldn’t change unless her choices are negatively impacting your life.
  
  
• This is hard for you - my son has had partners I didn’t like and it was difficult not to comment. It is possible that your daughter is making a mistake here. BUT - it is also possible that she can see something in this man, and get something from this relationship that you don’t see. When I met my husband he had lost his way in life. He was an unemployed university dropout with long hair and scruffy clothes. My parents did not like him at all, felt he had no drive, no ambition, would not be able to make money, buy a nice house etc. But - he loved me unconditionally. He has never asked me to change a single thing about myself. I felt safe and accepted. That was what really mattered to me. 40 years later and he has gone on to have a successful career, earns well, and I still love him to bits. If you can keep a good relationship with your daughter, she will be able to confide in you if she feels this relationship is wrong for her. But it’s hard, I know.
  
  
• My two cents… always speak positive words about your daughter and try to find the positive in him. Your daughter will see you as a safe place if you are positive and encouraging. “I’m proud of you, you bring me joy, you're a pleasure to be with, love working in the kitchen with you, you're more creative than me”. She will recognize her self worth.
  
  
• I was not a fan of my son’s girlfriend, but would never say anything to him. He was an adult who had to make his own choices. I was visiting once and gave him a hug as I was leaving, and said, “You know all a mother wants is to see her child happy.” He stiffened up and said, “Why? Don’t I look happy?” I told him that only he knows if he’s happy or not, but if he ever needs to talk, I’ll be there for him. They were set to move in together a couple of months later. He said maybe things will improve if they lived together. That’s when I got way more assertive. “ First you think things will get better when you move in together. Then maybe it will get better if you get married. Then, for sure, a baby will fix all your problems. NO!” I asked if he wasn’t ready to move in because he’s a commitment-phobic jerk, or did he think the relationship just wasn’t ready for that step? He thought about it and said no, he was ready to move in, but there were many, many communication and control issues. He went to see her that night to say he needed more time to be sure. She lost her mind on him and said some terrible things. Not long after he met the most wonderful woman who loves him exactly as he is. They are beautiful together. I sleep well at night knowing he is loved and that he is a loving partner. And now they are parents and just an amazing team. My heart is so happy.
  
  
• Say nothing... as much as you wish to protect her, it is her journey. Just be there to support without judgement if/when that relationship ends.
  
  
• She will come to you when she needs you - keep the door open both literally and via communication. I was that 30 year old daughter once - with the wrong partner (very very wrong). When I needed my parents they were there for me without judgement.
  
  
• Just ask her what she wants in life....and if she sees it with this person. You can give her your advice and still support her where she is.

SSR doesn't endorse the advice or content shared in this column. Our goal is to access the wisdom of our incredible Sole Sisters. 

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