Sleepless Sally in Snoretown - Dear Sole Sisters

Dear Sole Sisters,

Have you ever been near a lumberjack cutting down a tree with a chainsaw? The noise is so loud it’s deafening and the ground you are standing on is vibrating. Welcome to my nights!

My partner snores!

I think there are two kinds of snoring. One that sounds like a soothing lullaby or gentle waves rolling in the ocean. Then there is the other kind that sounds like a giant leaf blower or helicopter taking off in your ear. The latter is what I crawl into bed with every night.

He did try one of those breathing machines but that didn’t help. I have also tried noise canceling headphones. Have you ever tried to sleep with headphones on? Let’s just say it’s not ideal.

Sometimes he falls asleep on the sofa while watching TV. I run upstairs and try my best to fall asleep before he gets into bed. If I can do that it’s a good night but most nights I lie in bed listening to him snore away while the irritation and anger builds up within me.

So now I’m angry and exhausted. 

I’m thinking of separate bedrooms? Will that ruin or save my marriage? Could snoring actually destroy my marriage?

Sincerely,
Sleepless Sally

• My first husband broke his nose twice while playing hockey. As a result, he snored this incredibly other-worldly racket. I heard myself whispering "shut up" in his ear at my wit's end. My new partner snores, but not nearly as loudly. I've asked him to wear Breathe Right nose strips, which help reduce snoring. I used to feel so uptight about trying to sleep that it was a vicious cycle, but now I can relax much more, knowing that the snoring won't be as bad.
  
  
• If you don't feel comfortable making a complete transition, set up a spare bedroom that you both enjoy using. You can retreat to it if your sleep is disturbed. He can use it if he wants to, even when someone has a bad cold. When our kids were little, we had them in full-length beds, which worked out so well. When one crawled into bed with me, my husband had a comfortable escape option. He got a better night's sleep, and he was happier. Separate sleeping can work as long as everyone feels good about it
  
  
• My partner snores on and off on a regular day, but when he is dog-tired after working a series of midnight shifts, he snores and suffers from sleep apnea. The sleep apnea is particularly troubling to me because I lie there listening to the increasing snoring, knowing that it will lead to a sudden silence as he stops breathing for a few seconds and then, much like winding the Jack in the box and waiting for it to pop it's top, he suddenly makes this scary and loud gasping sound.
  
  It is a crazy thing because even though I know it is coming, the sudden audible gasp for air startles me every time! It often wakes him up, and he always apologizes. I think it upsets him (maybe not as much as it bothers me, lol!), but we have now negotiated that on nights he knows he will likely sleep deeply, he goes to the spare bedroom. With discussion and agreement, an extra bedroom and sleeping separately can work and make everybody much happier.
  
  I love my nights on my own, and secretly I probably would sleep most nights on my own, but I understand that my partner prefers to be near me at least some nights of the week (which is very sweet, and I am blessed to be loved this way) so I will work with that for now and take a nap on days I need it!
  
  
• I trampoline on the bed to get him to stop. Somehow when he shifts, it stops for a while.
  
  
• Fessing up in our marriage, I am (so I'm told!) the snorer and hubby the light sleeper. So we usually sleep in different rooms now.
  
  
• We sleep in separate rooms for various reasons, including his snoring and my sickness. One out of three couples do, and I think it's much healthier than lying there planning his death.
   
• With COVID, my husband works from home, from the office attached to the bedroom. With 6:30 am phone calls so, during the week, I sleep in the guest room, which I like because I can read before bed. And sleep in a cooler, quieter environment. And we both snore, so at least most of the week, we get good sleep.
  
  
• Snoring rooms are an actual thing! I used to sell Murphy Beds and designed many snoring rooms for people. Sleep is sleep - you need it to survive and thrive. Many people start the tonight together, one leaves a bit later, and many others sleep in their rooms.
  
  
• I think open communication is vital. Since both my kids are away at school now, I often move to another bedroom to get some sleep. It is much better than planning his death!
   
• I divorced the perfect man because of his snoring. He could snore the curtains of the rods. The funny thing is that we are still excellent friends 30 years later, and he and his wife sleep separately. I never considered that separate rooms could have saved my marriage in the eighties!
  
  

• I love sleeping in my own bed—or at least having the option. My hubby and I often sleep in the same bed, and just as often we don't. I like having another bed that's just as comfortable (that's the key!) so one of us can bail if the snoring gets too bad. Sometimes it's me doing the snoring, and sometimes it's him.

• I know it's hard to encourage our partners to go for a sleep study but I highly recommend it. When someone is snoring loudly and/or stop and starting breathing when they are sleeping they are causing great harm to their heart and other organs.
  
  

• If a CPAP is recommended it can truly be a life saver for your partner and also sleep for yourself. Wishing you and your partner lots of quiet nights ahead. 

• My husband and I have had separate bedrooms for a few years. We are in our 40's. It takes effort to connect and ensure we still have intimacy but we both sleep better and are happier and better equipped to manage life because of it.
  
  

• Sleepless Sally…how about a hybrid solution? My hubby and I sleep in the same bed many nights, and the other nights we don’t…it really depends on his shift work and how much I am in need of a better sleep.

  
  

  After his midnights he knows he “sleeps hard” (that’s my polite way of putting it!), so he very kindly sleeps in another bedroom. In all honesty, I’m a terrible sleeper and often sneak out in the night to another bed.

  And I’ll admit that I cherish the nights he’s working because I get the whole bed to myself. I would go so far as to say I would really rather sleep by myself all the time, but for now this hybrid solution is working.

• My partner snores. His son in law recommended Snore RX,a mouth guard. It worked for him,and it worked for my partner. It took a bit of getting

  used to, but has been a great solution. Ordered on Amazon.

• LOL!!! I cannot believe you’re asking us this question! Run, don’t walk, to your own bedroom. Make sure it’s not next door to your old room. Stay there every single night, even if he sobs brokenheartedly. Sharing a room with someone who snores like that is not something ANYONE should have to endure. Seriously. Do not feel guilty about this. And in the meantime try and get him to lose some weight and lower any excessive alcohol consumption.
  
• I have a pair of flexible loops. You can get the quiet or the dream models, both are designed to sleep in. They don't block all noise so I so feel comfortable being able to hear in an emergency. I pair them with a sleep headband style earphones, available on Amazon, designed for sleep. It Bluetooths to my phone and I use white noise and sleep meditatations/hypnosis. It works for me right now, but we are also considering a second bedroom.
  
  
• We also had separate rooms which started when his pug snored so loudly I couldn’t sleep and then we got used to it and stayed that way. A good night’s sleep is essential and not getting one adds more stress to a marriage than sleeping in separate rooms.
  
  
• We slept in separate rooms Sun night to Thursday night, in order to get quality sleep