Rejected by Friends Rachel - Dear Sole Sisters

The Dear Sole Sisters advice column is a place where women can ask questions anonymously and receive support, wisdom, and advice from women in the Sole Sister Ramblers community.

Dear Sole Sisters,

I think my friend group has dropped me! Is this normal at 55? 

I met this group of women when our kids were young. There are six of us, and we have managed to stay friends for just over twenty years.

Lately though, I have been feeling left out. When I am included, I get the feeling that they have connected without me. The majority of conversations are based on previous chats that I am not aware of, with no attempt to involve me.

The kicker is I have this feeling they are going away on a girls' weekend without me… I feel sick about it!!

Why do I care so much? Do I confront them, or do I just let it go?

I need advice from my wise Sole Sisters. What’s a gal to do?

Sincerely,

Rejected Rachel

Sole Sister Advice & Comments

• It has happened to me a few times during my lifetime in my 30s and 40s and now in my 50s, I have switched from FOMO to JOMO. However, when I dug into the reasons, it was usually due to either my sober lifestyle and them doing something boozy, or that I had simply drifted away for a bit. Lately, I would say it is due to political or world event points of view. It also goes the other way, where I have drifted from groups of friends that I had for a long time as we have found that we no longer have much in common. My suggestion is either leave it and move on OR ask a bestie in the group what is going on. You may find that not being included is actually a good thing. There may be more going on - mixed signals and perceptions - on both sides. Try not to take it personally because it may not be deliberate. The original group may have splintered as it’s evolved for any number of reasons. You could find a new group of more compatible friends based on a common interest. If you really want back in with that group, or some clarity, talk to the friend you trust most and try to resolve things.
  
  
• Call them out on their behavior. My psychologist says we always worry about the unknown …. Best to know. Doesn’t sound like they are your tribe!!
  
  
• It has happened to me. People change, priorities change, we move away, or don’t have as much in common anymore; it goes on. I try not to take it personally.
  
  
• Agree with all this great advice here. I’ve also learned that sometimes when I am most in need of support is when some friends pull away … so some friends are good weather people; it’s good to know who is and who isn’t.
  
  
• Instead of feeling sick, ask them, point blank. Then you will know for certain what is happening.
  
  
• What an awful feeling and challenging situation for you. After 20 years, these women and the friendships are a part of your life. Feeling excluded both hurts and confuses you. Do you think you can confront them individually or as a group and get the answers you seek? Will doing so change the dynamic further? If you learn they are going away, what will you do? If you can - before confronting them or walking away - try to understand and determine if you’re feeling a true loss of kinship with these women vs one of exclusion. Another option is to do neither of these things. Perhaps this friendship group is changing, and you along with it. You may ultimately develop new relationships elsewhere when not focusing on this one.
  
  
• I watched an OPRAH show decades ago, and she really nailed it. She said we go through “Friend-shifts” through the course of our life. Sometimes we outgrow relationships and then it opens up opportunities for new experiences and relationships.
  
  
• I think it might be good to reach out to someone in the group you are closest to and have a candid chat. Sometimes in my family, we say, "I am having a paranoid fantasy about ... and want to check it out with you. Perhaps also look deep in your heart and think about if you still feel aligned with this friend group. Perhaps you don't and are struggling to let go.
  
  
• I see myself moving away (emotionally) from 2 of my best friends and I feel like it's been happening for a while. I still love them dearly, but I feel like I'm evolving and they are either stuck in the past or not interested in growing as human beings. I don't feel inspired to talk with them much and it's not the physical distance since I moved far away from them. I think it's okay to outgrow friendships, but it can be painful. I know I need to align with like minded, supportive, loving people and as I get older this becomes more important to me. I am coming to terms with the fact that some very dear friends may not be my close friends in the future, but I do hope for some iteration of our friendship still. Time will tell.
  
  
• I recently read a very great take on friendships...basically it surmised that we aren't necessarily supposed to have friends for decades...and some last a month, the odd one for decades. But I was surprised to read that most friendships last 2.5 to 7.5 years...so we could, effectively, have 25 or 30 "good friends"... maybe one or two last 50 years. There will be many good acquaintances, fun colleagues, and friendships ... but maybe not lasting for decades...
  
  
• It's hard being on the end of losing friends ... particularly when still valuing the friendship ... but I also think, in a way, someone not being interested frees you up to meet new gals who would love to get to know you.
  
  
• The mindset of ‘confronting’ your friends concerns me. That’ll go well. No, no, it won’t! Being left out is really painful, and you might have to give yourself a hug - be it for the middle-aged woman you are now, or for the tentative new mother who desperately needed a support network when you met these women. I recommend you take a deep breath and sit down with a bit of paper and figure out what you want from this group of friends. Then see if you can put their hat on and figure out, guess, what they each want from you. Are your interests compatible? Is there overlap worth pursuing? If you think there is, then ask (lose the confrontational mentality) some nice open-ended questions about their interests (maybe do it one-on-one) and share what you hope to get from the group. If there are shared interests (beyond a shared history), you might find a way forward that gives you the level of engagement you want. Good luck!
  
  
• What an icky situation - I’m sorry you’re feeling like this. There’s been lots of excellent advice already about being direct and asking what’s going on. However, for people who aren’t comfortable with direct, open, honest communication, this could feel confrontational, resulting in you not getting a clear answer. On the other side of it, maybe you’re the one who changed. Maybe your current interests and hobbies are no longer aligning with theirs. Sometimes, when one person in a friend group changes, it can be somewhat threatening to the other ones, especially if they’re perceiving judgment on your part, when really, it has nothing to do with them.
  
  
• I would reach out to one of the group that you feel most connected to and have an open and candid conversation. (Trying to keep emotions under control.) I usually rehearse what I want to say so I can get it all out and not get caught short in the moment. Good luck. Oh, and if it were me (with my personality), I would probably then choose to walk away from them anyway. But at least I’d have left on my terms, and they would know how I was feeling.
  
  
• I was on the receiving end of this dynamic a few years ago. I was blindsided by it. Our group had been friends since high school, and usually got together once per year from all over the world to catch up. Seemingly out of the blue, one person in our group decided to divorce the rest of us, citing that our values no longer aligned with hers. It stung, and we took it very personally, but 2.5 years later, I can understand why she felt the way she did. I’ve been reading all of this advice, and I agree with so much of it. In my heart, I feel like it’s ok to remain friends even if you aren’t aligned, but that point of view isn’t for everyone. It is best to get things out in the open and discussed when it can be done calmly and with respect
  
  
• The young me used to confront these situations, which normally did not work out well ... the more mature me now lets it go. I don't have to be invited to everything, and normally, I find out after the fact of an event. I am thankful I wasn't invited or didn't go. I started doing things on my own as change happens to everyone, but my happiness and reaction are what I own. Moving on silently is very empowering, and rediscovering new things about yourself is amazing!
  
  
• My only insight (I’ll let the rest of you decide if it’s insightful!) is that when things happen to us and we don’t know why, we tend to assume it’s something negative about us. And most often, it’s not. So my suggestion is to have the conversation with one of the group members and hopefully find the answer.
  
  
• It’s always good to open up and tell them how you feel. If there’s no change, I would pull away and think it’s their loss. We are better off with people who make us feel good, heard, and understood.

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