Married Without Benefits Mary - Dear Sole Sisters

Dear Sole Sisters,

Here's my dilemma: sex, sex, and no sex!

Until I hit menopause, sex was a big part of my life — well, maybe not that big of a part, but definitely an activity I enjoyed and needed. I remember the feeling of wanting my husband.

Fast forward to now. I have zero interest in sex. Don't get me wrong, I love my husband. I just have zero desire to be intimate with him. It's nothing personal; I have zero desire to be intimate with anyone.

I can't remember the last time I initiated anything, nor was I much of an active participant. I miss that surge of desire, that feeling of wanting someone so badly you can feel it running through your body. My sex life today is nonexistent.

So my first question is: how do I regain my sex drive, and what is wrong with me?

The other part of my problem is I feel terrible for my husband. I'm sure, given the opportunity, he'd have sex every day. I don't want him to think it's personal.

So I start to feel guilty. I spend most of the day thinking, "tonight will be the night!" I become my very own sex cheerleader. But then nighttime rolls around, and boom — nope, not happening.

Sometimes I do give in and have pity sex because I feel so bad. I worry this is straining our relationship, and that's the last thing I want. Help!

Sincerely,
Married Without Benefits Mary

• Did someone just read my mind? I just reached menopause a couple of months ago, and this is also a problem for me. I'm thinking, is it menopausal or something else? I would love to hear more.
  
  
• A friend told me they would have a standing date once a week for sex. They scheduled it as they understood the importance of keeping this part of our relationships active as we age. They would always show up and perform (LOL), and even if one or both of them weren't feeling it, the commitment to a continued active sex life and creating connection usually ignited the spark.
  
  
• A while back, a group of women and I were chatting about this topic, and we were all joking about how we wanted our partners to read this post so they would know that this was not a unique problem. It is common. But it isn't discussed, and we are inundated with movie scenes and cultural messages that deny this reality. This denial makes navigating the situation harder because many feel ashamed and guilty. So even if many of us don't have advice about this problem, it is nice to know that we are not alone in experiencing it. Just reading this post helped, even if I have no idea what to do about it.
  
  
• I always joke with my hubby that he needs to find a support group for men living with women undergoing menopause so he realizes it's not just me.

We look forward to hearing your advice in the comments!

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