Valerie, 64, lives in Kitchener, Ontario, and is happiest when she’s out hiking in nature or wandering through a small town she’s never explored before. When she’s not out discovering somewhere new, she treasures spending time with the people who matter most—her family.
After 28 years of marriage, I realized that I didn’t want to feel like that anymore.
I had been in an emotionally abusive relationship for a very long time without knowing it was abuse. I found that my opinion didn’t matter and my feelings were often ignored. I knew I didn’t want to feel that way anymore.
But it was when I realized that he didn’t have my back in social situations that I knew I couldn’t trust him. That was devastating. With that realization, I knew I had to make a change.
After the marriage ended, I felt immediate relief that I didn’t have to deal with his personality any longer. It was freeing. I was happy to be on my own, with only myself to answer to.
Afterward, I learned about narcissism and emotional abuse. At first, it was a shock to realize that I had been abused without even understanding what was happening. It had happened so gradually and so covertly that I simply hadn’t recognized it for what it was.
Over the next decade, I read many books about the topic and worked through forgiving both him and myself. I realize now that what I felt at the beginning was simply relief, not actual happiness, because I still wasn’t the “me” I wanted to be.
I started out reading about the behaviours of a narcissist and what they meant. Gradually, though, I decided that I wanted to feel better and didn’t want to stay stuck in that negativity. I began reading books about forgiveness and about living a happier life.
For me, that has meant putting myself in situations that fulfill me and finding my true self and who I want to be. What I came to realize was that forgiveness meant that I got to move forward and be happy.
The “me” I want to be is showing herself in many ways. I can take care of my house by myself now. I can go out and explore the world around me and feel confident doing it.
I started going on little day trips by myself, stopping to explore places I had driven through before but had never taken the time to visit. For my 60th birthday, I went to a fancy restaurant alone and enjoyed a fabulous dinner. Then I spent the night at an inn. It wasn’t far from home, but it was an adventure I took on my own. That experience taught me that I could enjoy myself by myself.
I have also made new friends while keeping past relationships alive. I am very fortunate that my family and friends supported me through this whole process. My children have been amazing in their love for me.
I joined a group at our local museum to bake cookies for holiday events. Those women have become close friends, and we now meet regularly for a meal or to be creative together.
I also joined Sole Sister Ramblers in the hopes of meeting new friends while having new experiences. I have been on a couple of walks and will soon be helping our local food bank with an event. So far, I have met some lovely women whom I hope to see again.
I am finding myself becoming more outgoing now that I am surrounded by people who accept my thoughts and feelings. I am more willing to give compliments and express my ideas. I can see a difference in the way new friends react to me and treat me with respect.
It feels exciting, and I want to continue building this new life.
The women in my life have been crucial to my growth and my new attitude toward happier days. I’m looking forward to what comes next!
READ MORE > Her Story, Rambler Cafe Blog
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