Torn Group Member Trish - Just Jill

Just Jill is the creation of Jill Cohen Morris. Jill is an avid rambler and married mother of two from Toronto, Canada, with a remarkable zest for life and a fabulous sense of humor. 

Dear Just Jill,

I'm part of a group that meets regularly, and we usually have a great time. Recently, though, a few women have told me they don't want to join in if a particular person is there.

Honestly, I am beginning to feel the same way. It's just not as fun when she is there.

Now, as the organizer, I am in a tough spot. I want to be inclusive, but including this person is pushing others away. It is starting to affect the vibe and energy of our get-togethers.

Only a few of us seem to feel this way, and everyone else gets along fine.

Do I start a new group that excludes this person? I don't want to create drama or hurt anyone's feelings.

I need advice from my wise Sole Sisters on handling this situation. I want to keep our gatherings fun for everyone without causing tension or being unkind.

What's a gal to do?

Sincerely,

Torn Group Member Trish

Sole Sister Advice & Comments 

• This happened in a group I was in, and it was very awkward. I found out later that someone offended someone and possibly others (I can’t remember).  The group wanted to exclude that person. I was approached by the “offender” as she wanted to know if she was missing out and why. Ugh. Women our age should probably be more direct with each other right away rather than have drawn-out tense relationships. Good luck
  
  
• Ooo…that’s a tough one. Maybe you let the first group die a natural death and then regroup without the difficult person?
  
  
• I’d take a hard look at the issue with this person. Is her behavior really that offensive, or has a clique formed against her? I recommend addressing the issue with kindness and curiosity.
  
  
• Within a group, you always have some “odd ones.” If people cannot find a neutral way to get along, they should not ask the organizer for a solution; they should solve it themselves. You don’t have to be friends with everyone, but you can try to understand the person a bit better. Step out of your comfort zone. There should be overall group rules (be nice and behave or leave), and if someone doesn’t obey these rules, the organizer can point out the rules and eventually ask the person to leave the group. 
  
  
• What is this woman doing to take away the fun? Is she continually negative? Talk to her about it. Or, as someone has said, are a few ladies ganging up on her for no real reason?
  
  
• It sounds like a group is forming to get rid of someone. Hopefully, she will leave and find a better group. They'll end up turning on each other, so it's no loss. Either treat each other like adults or stay stuck in mean-girl hell forever!
  
  
• In groups, there's always "one". My thinking is that, most likely, we've all experienced and/or been guilty ourselves of being "the one," even within the same group and with the same people. Part of the experience of groups is emotional growth and the ensuing dynamics...we don't all arrive at the same point, in the same place, with the same experiences, knowing the same things, and we aren't all on our game 100% of the time. I'd go ahead and arrange as you've been doing and be inclusive. The "one" will either start to feel like an odd woman out and change her behavior or bow out. 
  
  
• It’s unlikely the “offender” is intentionally doing something to make herself not liked by a few others! Perhaps the few “offended” women could look inward and make an effort to be more compassionate and accepting. After all, are we not here to support one another?
  
  
• She may be a very lonely person, and the rambles are the only socialization she gets. She may have no friends because of her behavior. Try to isolate which behaviors annoy the group and tell her. I grew up as a negative person and complained constantly. As I grew up, a good friend pointed out to me that I was Debbie Downer, and I changed my ways.
  
  
• You are the coordinator, not the judge and jury. I think the person who is causing a bit of grief will soon realize that she is not fitting in. These things have a way of sorting themselves out. Don't let the others put you in the position of solving this issue. Not knowing what exactly she does to annoy the others, it might be worth a sit down to get it worked out.
  
  
• Perhaps the people who are having issues with one person should create their own group and leave the rest of the people in peace. You're not their mother, and they are adults.
  
  
• Best to accept her and include her as a member! If you all get to know her better, you may realize she’s okay. Otherwise, you’re acting like a clique, NOT like a Sole Sister.
  
  
• One person should not act on behalf of the group. If a person is uncomfortable with another person in the group, they should have a one-to-one conversation with that person and discuss their issues. They should not say that “the group” has issues. If other members also talk to the person, maybe they will get it and change their behavior. If not, they will not be surprised when they are not invited back. Don’t ostracize a person without letting them know what the issue is and giving them the opportunity to change. If cliques are forming in the group, the group is not healthy. Whatever you do, do it with kindness. People are fighting battles we know nothing about.
  
  
• Groups should prioritize inclusivity and open communication to resolve issues rather than segregating or excluding a person. Why are we teaching the kids or the World that Every Child Matters? “Every Woman Matters.” Hear them out. This is a group made for women. It was created by some great people for a reason: for us to get together and have fun. Get involved, keep communication open, and respect your Sole Sisters.
  
  
• I have always had a difficult time with this kind of dynamic. Leaving someone out intentionally seems so cruel. I guess it depends on why your group convenes. Is it serious subject matter, and the “offender” is disruptive? Or is it a fun group gathering, and she is a downer or inappropriate? Whatever the reason, love and kindness should drive the situation forward. I feel that freezing someone out without doing something first to help mitigate the issues would be unkind. 
  
  
• If you're the person in question, you should have self-awareness. Avoid the drama and depart. It is not worth your time, and you will be much happier. Let the queen bees pick their next victim. It's a vicious circle in those groups.
  
  
• Talk to her. Find out her story. If you are influenced by a few members, your group will crash. Were you aware before these people pointed her out? Are you concerned your group will collapse? It depends on what your group does and why it’s together. If it’s surface level, then that makes sense. If it’s a caring, supportive group, potentially those few members are the problem. It’s hard, but in my experience, this will resolve
  
  
• It's me! I'm that person!!  In all seriousness, though, kindness should be the common denominator - including someone they trust to hold a mirror to their behavior, if you can! They may thank you
  
  
• If the behavior isn't life-threatening or morally threatening, people will hopefully find a way to get along. There is enough division in the world. We are in a new energy of unity consciousness where people should be allowed to be their authentic, unique selves in the community. Eventually, people naturally vibrate out if they don't resonate with a group.

SSR doesn't endorse the advice or content shared in this column. Our goal is to access the wisdom of our incredible Sole Sisters. 

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