Just Jill is the creation of Jill Cohen Morris. Jill is an avid rambler and mother of two from Toronto, Canada with a remarkable zest for life and a fabulous sense of humor.
Dear Just Jill,
I am estranged from my daughter. My heart is broken.
We used to be so close, sharing countless memories and joy-filled moments. However, over time, misunderstandings and disagreements have driven a wedge between us.
I know there are three sides to every story - mine, hers, and what really happened. Without going into detail, we are both stubborn. To me, it doesn’t matter anymore. I just want her back in my life.
I am more than willing to let the past rest and move on. I have told her so. Life is short.
No matter what I say, text, or email, she refuses to respond. I am so hurt. I miss her terribly. I am at a loss. How do I navigate my heartache and find a way to reconnect?
I need advice from my wise Sole Sisters. Have any of you experienced this? How have you coped?
What’s a gal to do?
Sincerely,
Estranged Mom Melissa
Sole Sister Advice & Comments
SSR doesn't endorse the advice, or content shared in this column. Our goal is to access the wisdom of our incredible Sole Sisters.
- I would start writing her a card once a week about your life and your love for her. I always say that "your truth and my truth are both true; they are just different." Sometimes, we need to ask for forgiveness for the ways we have hurt our loved ones. Sometimes, we need to ask for forgiveness over and over, even if we are stubborn. Continue to send her love without expectation of anything in return.
- If you choose to write, please take a moment to prepare yourself for the fact that you may not receive a timely reply, a reply that helps, or a reply at all. Many of the letters, cards, and notes I've sent have not received replies or even acknowledgments of receipt. As much as we hurt in the struggle, the other person is too, and we cannot bear the weight of their response (as no response is still a response).
- It is hard to send notes - messages, texts, etc.- and not get a reply. It is hard to know when to stop because it hurts every time.
- This is my story exactly. It's been three years since I heard my daughter's voice. (My son, his wife, and my 2-year-old grandson are also estranged from me.). I have sent many texts, but not a single return. I always question what to do. Do I leave her to her choices and resist reaching out, or do I continually message her and keep the hope alive? I have taken a higher view that unconditionally loving her from a distance allows her to choose her own path without judgment.
- There seems to be a large number of us dealing with this parental alienation. As an emotional, deeply feeling empath, trauma and healing have been a big part of my path. I may have been deemed narcissistic by my children incorrectly. I am aware of them having seen psychologists, yet I was never asked to be part of their discussions. Could it be that their guidance was skewed to validate their pain without proper remedies for healing the relationship? I have written my apologies to no avail. I continue to work on my own healing and finding love and happiness within. This is the only thing I can do to change this situation. I began rewriting the story I tell also. These are the most powerful ways I know of to create a new reality.
- I would plan a day together, go for a walk, and have a long, heart-to-heart talk. Be real and honest, and put your stubbornness aside. Tell her how much you love her and care. These times happen and have happened to me and my adult daughter, too.
- This touches me so deeply. I am also estranged from my son. After my ex and I separated, things seemed fine for a while, sharing custody. He was 10 at the time, but more and more, he wanted to be with his dad and didn't want to come home. One day just before he turned 15, we had a blowout, and he walked out, telling me he hated me and never wanted to see me again. I have not seen or spoken to my son for 7 years. He'll be 22 this year. I reach out every once in a while; I tell him I miss him and I love him. I even admit that maybe I wasn't the best mom and made some mistakes, and I ask him if we can move past that and try and start new. I know his dad turned him against me. I just keep hoping he'll come around. My heart has a huge hole. I grieve his absence every day. I hope you can heal the rift, and I hope she accepts your olive branch. Don't give up on her.
- So heartbreaking. I hope that one day, maybe when she becomes a parent, she’ll find peace with your relationship. My daughter is also very judgmental of me.
- I understand your pain. My son and I have had a tricky relationship. I’ve never been able to live the lifestyle he expects. I finally realized I would never do anything right in his eyes. I have accepted that fact. I raised him well. He is a productive, successful man with a sweet family. So, I wish him well and move on with my life. We no longer have any contact at all. It’s so unfortunate for all of us.
- I am the daughter who estranged herself from her stepmother many, many years ago. The reason at the time was I didn't like what she had to say about my toxic and unhealthy lifestyle. So fast forward many years later when I cleaned up my side of the street and took accountability for my part in the relationship where I sent the "I am sorry letter" and did my best to make amends. We are still estranged, but the positive is we can be together at family functions, and lately, we have expressed concern about each other's wellbeing. While there was not one defining moment that had me cut her out of my life - I had to look at all of the moments. My suggestion is to take an inventory of your part - really look at what happened and dig deep. Write that letter, taking ownership and accountability for your part, and do not, and I repeat, do not blame or express any expectations of them. Actions speak so much louder than words, and little gestures go a long way. Don't give up. The new relationship will be very different to what you had. Be open to navigating through a new connection.
- I have a friend who also had a deep falling out with his adult daughter several years ago. After years of attempts at mediation and counseling, falling in and out of closeness with her, and most recently out of contact, he finally owned his stuff and apologized to her. They are making baby steps to rekindle their relationship and now see each other for lunch every few weeks. Thought this may be helpful. I really hope you can get your daughter back
- I have been estranged from my son since he was 21 - he is now 35 - the result of his father’s parental alienation. He turned his back on me for something that was happening between me and his father about his younger brother. I still have a relationship with his younger brother. My youngest is getting married next year, and I will see my son - not sure how to handle it except to hold my head high … and wish him peace from the turmoil the other side of the family caused him. They will all be at the wedding. It will be difficult, but I know I will get through it, as I hope my son does as well.
- I am in the same boat. My daughter acts so differently in front of others, but when we’re alone, I am responsible for everything bad in the world. I have to walk on eggshells around her. I let everything she says to me slide just to keep the peace, which then gives her permission to keep at me. I no longer get into arguments with her; I just walk away. She does not speak to her father in this manner…no one has ever heard her yell at me, slam doors in my home, argue, and call me names. We didn’t talk for a whole year, and while I missed her terribly, it was almost pleasant. She goes to therapy but doesn’t want to include me at all. Nonetheless, I will not give up on our relationship.
- I have and have had "tricky" relationships with my three parents. Mom, Dad & Step-mom. The only one where WE made it through the tricky stuff was with my Dad, and it was because we both finally got honest about ourselves with each other. We owned our parts of it. We also asked the other person what had happened, asked the hows and the whys, and shared our open, honest, and candid feelings. My mom and I have had conversations where I have expressed being a crappy hard-assed teenager, and I apologized. I also expressed how I see now the struggles she fought through to raise us. I tell her I love her. I send cards and pictures of me and her grandson. I don't hear back. My step-mom is just toxic, and I have almost completely walked away. If she reaches out to my son, I will help him reply. Sadly, the one parent where the relationship was healed is now the one who has passed away. These tricky relationships hurt us all.
- My one suggestion is to ask them to share their why. Ask them for the details. Don't react; take the time to consider things and respond thoughtfully. And maybe that takes a couple of conversations or letters. Our reactions are our feelings coming to the surface. The "why" things are this way is at the foundation. If there is breakage somewhere in the relationship, think to repair the foundation and rebuild.
- Write to her and apologize, but don't say, "There are three sides to every story" because that's such a value-judgment. You won't get anywhere; it will just get her back up. Apologize and say you're sorry. Resist the urge to say anything else. If she wants to reach out, she will. Until then, there really isn't anything you can do to force the situation. You've got to play the long game here and hope she eventually feels the same way - but again - keep your feelings about who did/said what to yourself.
- I’d recommend going to a psychologist to talk through what happened. They may be able to give you insight into your daughter’s perspective and help you navigate a way forward. Clearly, she is still hurting and not ready to mend the relationship yet. Good luck.
- I have not heard from my eldest daughter in 2 years; before that, it was here and there spanning 15 years. She is 42 and drug challenged. I say, if they are not responding then just leave them be. They are not ready to have you back in their life, and that's ok. Do your own work and find peace with her decision. She will come back when ready, on her own terms, not yours. You can meditate and send loving energy to her. It is something I do. Be hurt, but don't let it consume you. Not everyone will like us, including family. It is not our business what others think of us; just be you and love that beautiful heart of yours. Sending loving energy your way!
- My daughter has blocked me for the last six years, and she’s turning 24. We were also extremely close, and she’s an only child. It happened when my husband at the time left me for another woman, and somehow, I’m the bad guy. For me, my husband and his family all got together and poisoned my daughter’s mind about how I’m such a terrible mother. She was 18 years old when they both left me, and I didn’t even know my husband was leaving me. He just went on a road trip with my daughter and got a secret apartment, so I would love to write a letter to her once a week, etc., but I’m completely blocked. I know nothing about her life. Instead of making it drive me crazy, I just concentrate on my life! Making money and trying to be healthy so that when she comes back to me, I will be able to have a good relationship with her. I compartmentalize the hurt I have because we have one life, and I’m not gonna be sad and miserable. Also, I just live my best life, and if she chooses never to come back to me, then one day, I can lay on my bed and know that I tried my best. I’m pretty helpless, but I can work on myself.
- Sending you love. Personally, I would heal yourself first. Write a letter to her every day but keep it, do breath work, go out in nature, eat well and talk to us. She needs to heal; you cannot change the past, so accept what has happened. Once you accept, you can start to heal. She will come round, and when you get reunited, you can show her the letters. Think of it as a wound that needs to heal. I hope this helps. You will get through this. You are grieving, and it takes time.
- I have deep compassion. My son didn't talk to me for a year. He had moved out with his girlfriend at the age of 19. He had a full-time job at the time, and I was trying to encourage him to continue with at least staying part-time in school. I wanted him to have options. During the conversation, his girlfriend rolled her eyes at me because I was telling him I was concerned about his future if he did not have an education. I became furious, and I told her to get out of my house for rolling her eyes at me. They both left and I did not hear from him for a year. I realized over that year that I needed to apologize. Even if I felt like my concerns were right. So I had to eat crow and apologize. We have been on good terms ever since. An apology goes a long way.
- Being a parent is such an experiment. Kids don’t come with an instruction manual, and each one has its own set of challenges. I have a different relationship with each one of my kids, and there is no question that I have had to learn (sometimes the hard way) to tread lightly and with great care with one of them in particular. It’s always been frustrating to me how different my expectations and thresholds are for family versus friends. There are aspects to my interactions with my kids that I would never tolerate in a friend, and learning to live with that is confusing. On the flip side, I guess it's the same for our kids and what they will accept from us. I would think that open communication and honesty is the best course of action
- I had a very controlling mother who wouldn't speak to me for 4 years after I would no longer share a house with her. My decision was very freeing but troubling as well. We did have a relationship after that. It was different and somewhat distant, but I was okay with that.
- Change your relationship from parent-child to adult-adult. Shift your focus to creating fun and enjoyable experiences you can share. Lifelong memories are essential for keeping your relationship with your adult child strong. Play is a ‘love currency’ that makes a deposit into your child’s life no matter what their age. Lastly, when in doubt, remain silent. If they want our advice, they’ll ask for it. I have the scars on my tongue to prove it, and now, I have a fabulous and close relationship with my child.
- The “my truth, your truth, actual truth” message doesn’t work - it passes the buck of acknowledging the other’s pain as a real experience for them. As hard as it is to move forward in a strained relationship, we must acknowledge the experienced pain of the other person as real and valid. I know this from working through some very deep hurts my daughter felt that I initially felt could be explained by my belief that there were valid reasons. She (and I, and our relationship) only began to heal when I abandoned trying to explain my perspective, and I felt and understood the depth of her emotional pain.
SSR doesn't endorse the advice, or content shared in this column. Our goal is to access the wisdom of our incredible Sole Sisters.
I have tremendous compassion for you. I’m in the same boat with one of my daughters and despite efforts even through counselling to reconcile I’m a ways away from being able to do that with my daughter has some significant mental health issues, but she is also narcissistic and place the victim. Yes, there was trauma in her childhood that trauma impacted my older daughter and myself as well I was married to a physician who went off the rails when the college of physicians filed a complaint against him for having relations with patients many patients, and they had all the receipts I had no idea. Leaving him, resulted in two of my cars set on fire and my house being torched all on separate Christmases but that was in Ontario when I moved to the US I knew he couldn’t come there now that I’m back in BC I don’t worry too much. It’s a commitment to come this far That leaves the three of us dealing with our trauma. It’s hard for me to trust people and make friends even female friends, but that is exactly what I would like to do. I’m very lonely.
“Done With the Crying.” By Sherri McGreggor is a book I highly recommend. The author interviewed 50k parents. This book is her third addition. It’s a thoughtfully constructed , experience based, relatable, healing, educational, therapeutic workbook.
She also has a blog for parents estranged from their adult children. Xx.
I’m sorry for what you’re going through. I’ve been there too. It seems to be an epidemic of sorts. I’ve talked to many people about it and there are three causes we can agree on – a sense of entitlement, a lack of gratitude, and social media. I’m okay now – in fact, I’m more than okay, not because we reconciled (we haven’t) but because of new-found self-respect.
I realize now that my now ex-husband began grooming our daughters when they were in elementary school, if not earlier. His goal was to become the favorite parent. He undermined my parenting and he allowed our daughters to treat me with rudeness and disrespect. He stood by silently when they called me vulgar names.
When we divorced, he badmouthed me, told them our problems, and made them his allies – everything a decent person doesn’t do even if the children are adults.
For years I reached out to them regularly, and invited them over for their birthdays and holidays without much success.
I kept doing so because my therapist encouraged me to. Finally I said, “I’m tired of groveling. Would you encourage me to pursue a former romantic partner in this way?” She said no and later thanked me for making her a better therapist.
A few years ago, I removed all their photos from the wall, packed away the gifts they made me, along with the crafts and artwork that were on display. I removed the photo albums from their shelf and packed everything up and put it in a closet. I redecorated with artwork and items that speak to me and that I enjoy. I was determined to move on with my life, and I have.
By far the most empowering choice I’ve ever made occurred within the last month. My oldest daughter is getting married in August and sent a “Save the Date” postcard. Maybe some would be thrilled, but I am not, for a few reasons:
My ex, my sister, and my daughters have been shunning me but continue to stay in constant contact with one another. I don’t want to go to an event where I would feel like an outsider.
My controlling, jealous sister has usurped my role as mother of the bride. I will not go and watch that. I won’t subject myself to that – it would be too painful.
When the actual invitation arrives, I will send my regrets.
Instead, I’ve booked an AirBnB at the coast for the same weekend and have invited half a dozen chosen sisters who value and support me to what I call my “Un-Wedding/Make Lemonade” weekend. We will have thrift store wedding dresses. There will be a full moon that weekend and we will dance on the beach in our wedding dresses. There will be fun, love, laughter, and friendship. I’ll buy a bag of lemons and make lemonade and lemon drops just so I can say I did!
Making that choice completely changed my perspective. If they want to be a part of my life, if they want to have a relationship with me, it will be on my terms, not theirs. I won’t kowtow to all the conditions they have put on returning to relationship.
I hope you don’t have to take it this far. I hope you reconcile. For me this decision was at least ten painful years in the making. It was worth it, though. I respect myself and I have taken back my power.
All the best to you.
I am so very sorry you are experiencing this discord in your family. I can relate having survived nearly 2 years of fighting with my child. Booty calls in the middle of the night, refusal to go to work and just a generally surly attitude from my daughter had me terrified for us both.
Inner reflection on my part in this answered a few questions. Did I need her to work? Hard no. Booty calls? Been there done that (and survived). Turns out I was parenting my child like my mother parented me. Her mother probably did the same to her and on back into history. My daughter is not me. I’m an extroverted type A and she is an introvert. Poor kid! I needed to talk to figure things out and she just needed me to shut up for a minute and let her think.
I said to her 1. Booty calls (with strangers) are not safe – she put me on my find my friends app so I could see where she was. Excellent! 2. Go to work – I shared with her that she didn’t have to work but I wasn’t going to bankroll her escapades. She kept the job and started going but with less hours.
The long and short of the story is I looked at myself and saw much of the source of our problem.
I’m not saying that’s you and your kids, I’m just saying maybe if you look deep enough you may find some inspiration, like I did. Best of luck to you, Mom. They say time heals all wounds and I hope that is true for you ❤️
I think that the love unconditionally thing is a good approach. I am not estranged from my daughter but I am from my sister. It wasn’t really by choice… I just couldn’t deal with her addictions and toxicity. My daughter did and still does struggle with substances and I try to just hold space for her. This is very hard sometimes because you want to give advice and fix what we perceive is the problem. I think to love unconditionally is to not expect or be attached to a specific outcome. Maybe if you were to text your daughter with notes of joy (eg. I saw the most beautiful (blank) and made me think of you today. Talk to you soon) then take a breath and surrender to what may or may not happen. I think when you tell her how much you love and miss her that puts an emotional tax on her to own your feelings. Good luck to you.
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