Lonely Linda - Just Jill

  Just Jill is the creation of Jill Cohen Morris. Jill is an avid rambler and mother of two from Toronto, Canada, with a remarkable zest for life and a fabulous sense of humor.

Dear Just Jill,

I am lonely. I am single – a widow, actually. It has been a few years now. 

When I say lonely I am not looking for a relationship. If a relationship happens, great, and if not, that’s okay too.

I miss the companionship. I miss having someone to share daily life with. Sometimes, the silence can be deafening.

I miss coming home and telling someone about my day. I miss just knowing there is someone else in the house. I miss watching TV with someone. I miss going for a last-minute walk.  

Have any other Sole Sisters experienced this? How do you deal with loneliness? I need advice on how to fill this gap.

What’s a gal to do?

Sincerely,

Lonely Linda

Sole Sister Advice & Comments 

• Your situation sounds very similar to mine a few years ago. Fostering rescue dogs and then adopting when the perfect one came along went a very, very long way to easing that loneliness.
  
  
• That is me now. My husband passed away six months ago. I ride my bike and do weights every day. I also joined as many groups as possible. There are coffee groups, wine groups, widows groups, and, of course, Sole Sister Ramblers. Still, not having that partner there to hang out with is tough. We were together for 42 years, and I am 60 now. 
  
  
• I lost my husband 3.5 years ago, and I understand the struggle. Feel free to pm me any time. It helped me to chat with someone who understood what I was going through.
  
  
• I've been single for 5 years, and I'm never lonely, despite living alone. I love that my home is a peaceful place where no one ever arrives home in a mood I have to fix or keeps me awake at night snoring. I'm sure it's hard to lose a good relationship, but being alone, in principle, isn't a bad thing at all. I'm happier than a lot of the couples I know, and I'm not constantly dealing with the moods or stresses of another person. I do think I might feel differently if I wasn't so consumed by my work as an artist, which fills my life in so many ways, from community (often online, zoom, etc., connecting with artists all over the world) to the passion I feel for what I do. I'd recommend immersing yourself in something that gives your life meaning, whether it's a hobby, career, volunteering, something in your community, family, etc. Part of it is a mind shift, away from feeling that alone means lonely. The world is full of single, thriving women who wouldn't have it any other way and who definitely aren't lonely.
  
  
• I have been divorced for 15 years and have been out of a short-term relationship for 8 years. I would love companionship, too. Meanwhile, time alone is the perfect time to heal and learn to love yourself more. Girlfriends are treasured even more and enrich our lives. Nature becomes our companion, too. Explore new hobbies and passions. Be curious about who you truly are at your core. You'll discover peace and contentment in yourself that you've never known before.
  
  
• Wow, I could have written this myself! I was widowed five years ago, having been partners with my husband for 49 years—good years. Being without him leaves an awful void. Even though I do have good friends and stay fairly active, it is not easy to stay positive every day—it takes a real effort. This Sole Sister Ramblers group is full of amazing ladies, and the wisdom from all of you is just great!
  
  
• Divorce for me…happy? divorce, but yes, I agree… loneliness and isolation are my two pet peeves…I made a move, which I now regret…plans are in place to move again.
  
  
• Hi. Single person here. Age 57. Single since March 2023. Ex & ex bestie ran away together 6 months after I unexpectedly lost my mother, and 6 months prior to that, I also unexpectedly lost my older brother at age 58. 2022 sucked. Yet here I am, a year and a half later. I’ve been healing ME, knowing that loneliness also serves a purpose for self-reflection, growth, the courage to begin again, and the courage to ask for help - from professionals (yes, I benefit from talking to an amazing, nonbiased individual. Counseling is healthy!) Talking to friends and family, or even strangers at the grocery store. Kindness does exist! Every morning, upon waking, I reflect on what I’m grateful for before I start my day. Mindset is powerful, so I keep visual notes around my home to support positive direction. For me, I recognize certain pitfalls that may pull me under that curtain of depression again, screen time (TV and phone), so I create my own healthy boundaries with schedules and activities that keep me occupied on purpose. I create with intention a weekly schedule that includes work, dog walks, connections with friends, reading time, TV time, moderate exercise, new activities, new local locations to walk or explore, and online dates! I’ve been blessed with some great life experiences, but good things are still happening right now! I look forward to receiving more blessings each and every day! The best thing has been that I’m really OK. I enjoy my own company. I can release guilt and blame and come to terms with my sadness/loneliness quicker, knowing that I can take action to do things to bring me back towards happiness again. Wishing you the best in your self-discovery! 
  
  
• Two ideas: volunteering helps to meet like-minded friends and give life meaning. Also, there's a housing shortage. Have you considered renting a room out to someone who needs it (and who you also like as well)? Possibly a student on a semester-by-semester basis. That way, they'd possibly go home on their break, giving you some personal space - which, after living on your own for a long time, you might find you miss. 
  
  
• Single person here. While I know what loneliness feels like, it’s not a feeling that plagues me. I guess I’m naturally an introvert. Or maybe it’s because I have a dog? Seriously though, while an animal is not equivalent to human companionship, animals can bring so much joy into your life. And they loooove to hear how your day was. Also, they open you up to a whole new community to interact with.
   
• Sounds like you may be an extrovert. As an introvert, once I've had my fill of social interaction for the day, I'm happy to find myself alone in MY space to recuperate. That said, (I'm widowed), I do miss that daily ADULT (teens! right? ) companionship (with someone who respects my introverted nature ), so, yeah, I get it. What works for me (sorta) as an introvert is to fill my social tank OUT THERE so that when I'm alone at home, the void is not so acute (for me, it's not exactly "loneliness"). 
  
  
• Other than Sole Sister Ramblers, maybe try to join a club of some kind, a book club, or volunteer. Hey, you might find some Sole Sisters who are into the same TV shows—why not organize a ramble about that? If you feel safe having Sisters in your home, it could be a TV night ramble! (Or maybe a local pub/restaurant, etc., would accept to reserve one of their TVs for a ramble group on a quiet night.
  
  
• Well, I'm a "single single"...a few long-term relationships. I was career-driven for a time...and by the time I was looking for a husband and wanting children...the men, even my age, were looking for women 5 or more years younger than me. Missed my window. For sure, I go through feeling lonely. Being busy and wanting to learn something new and go on a health kick helps. Sole Sisters has been a bit of a godsend in that it has been a great way to keep active and meet new ladies at the same time. 
  
  
• My go-to's are swimming, cycling, gardening, being a singer and performer, Sole Sisters, and summer festivals. I have also "taught" myself to date myself, lol, and take myself out on dates—to a concert or dinner.
  
  
• Singledom can be challenging. It is not the easy track that many envision. Being single, when it's not "Choice 1," is sometimes so hard. I've never been married, but it is still hard being at home in an empty house. I've learned that is ok; it makes me human, and we are conditioned for connection. So I get up and get out there and pursue what I enjoy and pursue what is healthy for me. Oh...and for me, what works is always having my morning coffee at a coffee shop or café, then it has me talking to people every day.
  
  
• Hello! I have been divorced for 25 years. I recently moved to live closer to my son. When I moved, I made the conscious decision to live in a senior community, knowing that I would not know a soul upon arrival. I tend to be an introvert and enjoy just being in my own home. But when I leave my apartment, I see people, say hello, good morning, etc. Plus, there are activities I can join. I find I am not lonely, but I am alone a lot. There's a difference. I don't see my son and his wife all the time, but at least he's only an hour away instead of a flight. Another thing I thought of for you: There are groups of women who decide they don't want to live alone, so they live together in a large house. They share expenses, but they still have their own space. I'm sure you could Google it. Good luck with your choices!
  
  
• It has taken me a long time to realize I can go places alone. I think it's because I'm naturally shy, it's difficult for me to go somewhere by myself. I think other people are looking and talking about me, even though they probably aren't. I'm gradually taking baby steps to do this important thing for myself
  
  
• I will face this in the near future. It terrifies me.
  
  
• Single here, and I feel that way too. I have no family. I have started to do many hobbies and things that fill me up, and I try to talk to one good friend or more daily, even if they are far away. I also go to professional counseling a few times a month, and she helps me with ideas. I love physical things, so I go dancing, walking, and to hot yoga often. I’ve met acquaintances there because we have something in common! Find what you love to do, and some of those feelings will subside … good luck
  
  
• I share your loneliness. I have been single for decades and have been looking for female friends my age, as any dating has not resulted in someone I would spend my life with. I also worked far too hard in mental health, running a department in the daytime and having a private practice in the evenings. When I left work, I had so few friends. Then the pandemic hit, which was very hard for me, the people person! Yes, my house can still be silent, and in your words, the silence is deafening sometimes, so I get it completely. Sole Sister Ramblers has helped me meet some lovely women, and I hope to make some good friends over time. I will keep trying to find women about 70 years of age to go on trips with and hopefully make a couple of really good friends. Don’t give up. Keep trying, and I am so glad you brought this topic up. Sending hugs from afar.
  
  
• I am reading and crying while reading. I want you all to know that this kind of vulnerable sharing feels so brave and important to me. I am sitting in the car with my hubby and imagining I might go through this, and your sharing makes me less scared. There is a lot of pain at this time of our lives, but also so much joy! Thank you all for sharing and being there for each other.
  
  
• I watched my mom go through this. My dad was only 62, and my mom was only 64—young by most standards. My dad was her best friend. To this day, I think that's what she misses the most: companionship, the everyday sharing of the little things, the company. My mom doesn't have a social circle or girlfriends to get together with. The thing that has helped my mom is that we live in the same house, so she almost always has family around her.
  
  
• I think it's important to form friendships apart from our partners so that we don't experience the loneliness and isolation that happens when we lose the other one who was our whole world. 
  
  
• I can't imagine how hard it is to go through.
  
  
• This conversation is interesting to me, as I’m finding that most people who are lonely are because they have lost someone with whom they had a nice relationship. I’ve been separated for almost four years and living, for the most part, by myself, and honestly, I now feel less lonely living by myself than I did with my partner.
  
  
• Learn something new, like pickleball, or bridge, or bowling! Volunteer your time at the schools or the animal rescue, a seniors home, or the soup kitchen. Consider moving to a smaller place, consider getting a roommate, or fostering or adopting a dog (who needs a walk a few times a day). There are so many fun things to do, so many people and/or animals in need, and so many others in the same boat as you. Don't give up on life! Recreate yourself!
  
  
• I can relate to your situation. I’ve lived on my own since 2008, when I divorced, and while dating back then was fun, I am no longer interested in putting that kind of energy into finding a partner when most of them are duds! My sistas are now more important to me, yet they can’t always fill the emptiness I sometimes feel. I do try to fill my days with my favorite things: walking my dog, learning a new recipe, reading, and painting, but it can feel very lonely. I try not to wallow in sadness and think of how good I have it and, as one girlfriend said once…never turn down an invitation as you never know where it might lead. Stay strong, woman…you’ve got this!!
  
  
• I haven’t experienced this yet, but I have thought about it from time to time and have wondered if I would be prepared to share my house with someone in the same position. I don’t know how I would cope with getting used to living with someone I wasn’t in love with (as you tend to forgive those people more easily), but I think there is a place for this way of living. Your choice of companion would be crucial for success, but I like to think it could be a viable option. I have a good friend in your situation, and she has two small dogs, so when she goes home, she feels the love, and they sleep on her bed, so she feels them there throughout the night, too. They force her out for two daily walks, which also connects her with others in the neighborhood. Good luck navigating this.
  

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