Downsize Dora - Just Jill

  Just Jill is the creation of Jill Cohen Morris. Jill is an avid rambler and married mother of two from Toronto, Canada, with a remarkable zest for life and a fabulous sense of humor. 

Dear Just Jill,

My husband and I have lived in the same home for our entire marriage. We both work, but we are starting to slow down and consider retirement.

I am ready to downsize. We live in a five-bedroom detached home on a lot of land, both of which require constant love and care. 

I would love to sell and move to a condo. The maintenance would be less taxing on us, both physically and financially, and would be less time-consuming. 

I am ready to see the world. Between raising 3 children and working, travel was always last on our list. Downsizing seems like the perfect solution. The extra money would give us the freedom to do what we want in this next phase of our lives.

This is my perfect solution, not my husband’s. He has no desire to sell. He loves our house and our property. I see caring for our home as a chore, and he sees it as a labor of love. We are at an impasse.

Have any Sole Sisters downsized? Were you happy you did? Was it a battle with your partner? How did you make the decision?

What’s a gal to do?

Sincerely,

Downsize Dora

Sole Sister Advice & Comments

• Ugh! What a horrible dilemma! The house will be nothing but an albatross as you age. There’s no reason that you need to maintain a five-bedroom home at this stage of your life. I am 100% with you on downsizing! I have done it, and I cannot say enough about it. So happy to pay my strata fees and have everything taken care of. Lock the door, and away I go!
  
  
• I wonder if the thought of heading out into the big wide world is making him a little anxious. Even subconsciously? Honestly, it may be a labor of love to him, but it’s also safe; he has a measure of control. Could you try a big trip now and see how he feels about traveling and returning to a labor-intensive home? Downsizing and seeing the world are both big steps to take. Two at once might be more than he is currently ready for.
  
  
• Could you compromise and move into a small home with a smaller property? That way, he still has some grounds to putter with (I assume he likes gardening/lawn mowing, etc) but much less work overall.
  
  
• I love condo living, but be aware of condo fees. Ours are very high and keep growing. Condo fees are not necessarily cheaper than maintaining a home.
  
  
• I live in a 5-bedroom house but have a vacation condo, and I love condo living for the two months a year I spend there.
  
  
• Oh my, this is not an uncommon problem, but that doesn't help you! I know my husband is of the same mind. Maybe a smaller home or a compromise on a townhome with a bit of a yard and/or garage for tinkering. Try traveling more with your husband now if you can, as he may decide he loves it so much that it will convince him to make a move. I wish you success and lots of travel in your future!
  
  
• Neither of us would ever want to own a house again. It is way too much work whether you travel or not. I hope you get it sorted out soon, as I can see it would cause resentment. Hire a cleaner for the inside if he likes doing the outside 
  
  
• He may have an emotional attachment to the home and not be able to see living somewhere else. Condo living is a huge change. Maybe look at smaller homes or townhouses and include him. If you have something concrete so he understands your ideas, it may be easier for him.
  
  
• My husband and I are in the same situation. We have a nice house with a beautiful backyard to relax and enjoy what we want to do. We have looked at condos, townhomes, moving to another country, etc. None of it suits us. Yes, you can make some money to travel by selling the house, but I know I would be miserable living elsewhere, especially somewhere with regulations. We decided to keep our house. We have a few friends in the same situation, and none of us want to move. There is nowhere to go.
  
  
• This is me exactly, and I’m on my own now. Such a dilemma! One thing that has helped me a lot is that I have a suite in my home now that I rent out. It was a game changer for me - or I couldn’t stay in the home I love. There is nothing smaller in my neighborhood of 40 years.

• Could you maybe convert part of your home into a small apartment and rent it out? The income from that would give you travel money and perhaps an assistant groundskeeper and/or cleaner.
  
  
• Compromise. Pay someone to do your yard work and use the equity in the house to fund your travels. Life is too short to wait!
  
  
• We downsized a bit from a 2000 square foot home plus a full basement and a grassy corner lot with trees to an 1800 square foot house with no basement and a tiny lot. I love gardening and still have enough space to play with, but none of the lawn maintenance of mowing and raking leaves. We still have four bedrooms, so our family or friends can stay with us on occasion. My husband and I were both excited to move, though, so that really helped. We are enjoying our new adventures - it’s like vacationing every weekend! I don’t miss any of the things we gave away before the move. It’s all just STUFF. Good luck coming to a decision together. I’m familiar with the type of person who wants to sit tight in a familiar place because the idea of moving is just too daunting.
  
  
• Close off all the house except the kitchen, living room, master bedroom, and bath. Don't clean or heat the extra rooms. Define a small part of your property to maintain and do no more. Then you go travelling. It's your dream, not his. Be open to him coming, but don't stay home because he doesn't want to go.
  
  
• Maybe go to some open houses or some Airbnb's to get an idea of what you both like. Or hire help?
  
  
• That was me, too, especially when restrictions were lifted after Covid. I thought it would be better to move to a condo so that we don't have to worry about shoveling, gardening, security, etc, when we travel. Turns out that I have changed my mind - I don't travel for that long anyway, and do like to come back home to putter around the house and yard. The condo fees made me balk, and I like the idea of having some extra space to get away from each other, especially after a trip. We have a 3-bedroom bungalow, so it is manageable. Actually, I should also say that my hubs will never move -"over my dead body" from our current place, so we weren't on the same page either, with regards to downsizing and traveling. I've since persuaded him to go to a few places that have been on my bucket list, and he has thoroughly enjoyed it!
  
  
• We are just starting the process. The house is on the market, but we are going to a smaller house/lot, hopefully. How about a townhouse as a compromise?
  
  
• My sister’s condo fees tripled in 12 years - and they weren’t kept up that well. You could also get loud neighbors. I would go for a small house.
  
  
• We downsized several years ago and have not looked back. It was right for us. My husband and I have always had the policy that we keep the status quo unless both of us are on board. When looking at new houses, we each had veto power (helped avoid a few disagreements) 
  
  
• Maybe take a holiday and stay at a place about the size of what you want. See how you and he handle it. My mother-in-law was hard against moving, and it was very emotional, but she now loves her smaller footprint. She bought a 2-bedroom house on a small lot with no grass (courtyard), still a house but easier to maintain.
  
  
• Maybe going to something smaller, but not a condo, would work. A smaller home on a smaller property. I was in a big house on 1 acre and went to a 2-bedroom condo, which I have rented out for the last 5 years. Now we have a place in the winter and summer, and we travel from both spots.
  
  
• I downsized 10 years ago. We sold our rural acreage and moved to an 852-square-foot condo. Best move ever! We sold almost everything we owned and kept only 8 boxes, mostly photo albums. Luckily, my husband was on the same page as me, which made for a smooth transition. We are not retired, but still, we love the freedom from belongings and property. Best wishes to you. Hopefully, you can find a compromise that works for you both
  
  
• We’re in the process of upsizing. We could not live in the smaller space we had, so we went from 1200 square feet to 4000 square feet with a large pool. We each have our own bedroom suites with offices. I am a traveler. My husband is not. He’s very happy with the bigger house. I will continue to do my solo travels around the world while I still can (I just turned 70, so I figure I’ve still got a good 10 years). He doesn’t like adventure travel. This works for us.
  
  
• I know so many women who are going through or have gone through this—wanting to downsize and move into a more affordable, manageable place while hubby wants to remain in the family home. I can name several close friends with only a cursory thought about it. It seems to me that in many cases during this time of life, women want to have fewer responsibilities in the home and get out in the world, while men want to putter in their yards.
  
  
• We have a family home, but If I had my way, I would live in a nice hotel room and have zero domestic responsibilities. My hubby, on the other hand, loves our house - his happy place in this world is puttering in our yard, and he can happily do that for months on end. He is an introvert and has renovated this entire space, so he has a big emotional attachment (but is in denial of that fact). You should see the happy look on his face when he is hanging in the yard -- how does one take that away???!!!! For now, we have a compromise. Five months a year is spent living in our house and traveling the rest of the year. When we are at our house, I spend a lot of time going on adventures with my Sole Sisters. I am lucky to have a relationship where we are both comfortable being apart to pursue our own desires. I am looking forward to eventually moving to a condo; fingers are crossed we can figure out how to do that and both be happy.
  
  
•  I retired a couple of years ago but my husband is still working for a couple more years. We downsized about 10 years ago into a house that we totally renovated. We still have a mortgage that won't be paid off when he retires but we have a basement suite which helps. We both love the house. I'm pretty sure I'd be okay in a condo with a big balcony or even a mobile home in a trailer park, but my husband wouldn't be, at least not for the foreseeable future. The funny thing is that it's my husband, more than me, who also wants to travel more when he retires. I like the idea of splitting time between the house and traveling and probably each of us doing some solo traveling. Good luck, and I hope you enjoy the process, whatever form it takes.
  
  
• From what I can see, condo living might be too big a change from your house. Maybe there could be an intermediary step in between. I moved 3 years ago from an older house and yard that required a lot of upkeep. My current home only has a little garden with a patio rather than grass. I still have 2 adult children with me, so a condo wasn’t right for me at this juncture, but a smaller house that requires less upkeep has allowed me to do other things that I’ve been wanting for a long time.
  
  
• No answers yet, but I have been trying to drag my husband out of our large primary residence for a long time! Just this year he’s agreed we should start looking. One of our kids will likely live with us for the foreseeable future, hoping to find something that will afford him some independence. We also have a dog, so a condo might not be right for us.
  
  
• It is understandable that you would want to downsize; just makes sense. It’s hard when a couple has completely opposite views. Unsure if this idea helps, but if there seems no outlook for sale of property....what about a compromise, downsizing on the property? Build a smaller home on the property to live in while having the original home earn you side income through renting it out (long-term or Airbnb style). You could pay someone to handle the rental cleaning/maintenance, etc. Keep your family home and property (husband happy), downsized (you happy, hopefully lol). Just a thought. Best of luck with your dilemma!
  
  
• I find the opposite is the case for me. We have a 4 bedroom home with a fairly big garden. While I worked full time, I juggled looking after my children and elderly parents, and I never had a minute to properly garden or for hobbies. Now, I have time for music, crafts, baking, hiking, and traveling, but the house is just about big enough for me. I’d like a dedicated sewing room, another dedicated music room, still have an office, and still have a spare bedroom or 2 for guests.

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