Worried Wendy's Mom - Just Jill, Sole Sister Ramblers

Just Jill is the creation of Jill Cohen Morris. Jill is an avid rambler and mother of two from Toronto, Canada with a remarkable zest for life and a fabulous sense of humor.

Dear Just Jill,

I love my mom… I love her dearly!

At the same time I’m so mad at her. Truth be told, this goes beyond mad. She’s driving me crazy. Stubborn is an understatement. I’m terrified something awful is going to happen to her.

My mom lives alone. She is fiercely independent to a fault. She’s starting to show worrisome signs of aging. Worrisome because she should no longer be doing everything she thinks she can.

Her balance is a little off, her legs don’t work the way they used to, her eyesight is waning and mentally she’s a little cuckoo. I mean that in the most endearing way.

She has a cane. She takes it with her everywhere but doesn’t use it, just carries it.

She needs help in her house. She shouldn’t be carrying groceries. She shouldn’t be walking stairs alone. She is an accident waiting to happen.

I have tried. My siblings have tried. Her siblings have tried. We have all offered to help or to get her help. She refuses to listen to any of us.

I’m at a loss. I feel like I’m talking to a brick wall. How do I convince her that she needs help?

What’s a girl to do?

Sincerely,

Worried Wendy

Sole Sister Advice & Comments

My Dad had Alzheimer's and eventually needed assisted living. It was hard to explain to him why things needed to change, but this finally got through to him: "Dad, I need your help. I am feeling so anxious and worried—all the time. Knowing you were getting help would take such a load off my mind. Please, can you do this for me?"
As general manager of a senior's independent living residence, I learned much from our ace "homemaker," who had taken various courses specializing in Alzheimer's and Dementia challenges. When we appeal from our hearts and tell our loved ones the truth about our fears, worries, and druthers, the results are usually positive actions.
I have been through a similar experience with my mom. She carried her cane around rather than using it. As others mentioned, she had a few falls and then was allowed more help. If she allows home care to come in, it will ease your mind that she is taking her medicine and getting to shower or bathe safely. Good luck convincing her that you have her best interest in mind.
I am working with a lady who is just like this - fiercely independent, and her family constantly worries. Watching is tough. We can only do our best for them. Unfortunately, often it is a fall or accident that changes everything. On the one hand, you admire independence, but it can be exhausting and exasperating for the family.
Say that you are worried she will hurt someone else, and she wouldn't want that on her conscious.
My mother had Alzheimer's for many years. While she was still living in her apartment, she needed help. So, we got her a caregiver, part-time at first, and then full-time live-in afterward. We found it cheaper than moving her to a facility, and she could be surrounded by the things that helped her memory at home.
After my mom finally moved to a nursing home, she had a social life there that she didn't have in her apartment. I won't say it was easy to convince her to move, but she didn't look back once we did. She participated in activities, sang in a choir, and made arts and crafts. This helped her brain for a while.
Safety is highly overrated when weighed against the quality of life. That's what I've learned as I watched Mom and Dad decline.
I know what you mean, having watched a much-loved aunt refuse to move out of her long-term home, which needed affordable upgrades. We all worried about her, but she did live the life she wanted and then died peacefully in her bed, just as she wished to. As long as their mental capabilities remain, adults should be allowed to live as they want. We must accept that we can't wrap them in too many protective layers, as hard as that is to find the balance.
If senior has all their mental faculties, they will tell you when they need help. You don't know them even though you can try.
I'm a case manager who regularly assesses seniors' level of functioning, and I often hear these sorts of comments from well-meaning family members. Reading the post, it's a lot about their distress, which is theirs to manage. There is an extensive spectrum of safety to independence. There is a risk at every stage of life. If the senior is cognitively intact, you can explain your concerns, but be prepared to let them live as they choose, which may be at risk.