Sad Sally's Friend With Cancer - Just Jill, Sole Sister Ramblers

Just Jill is the creation of Jill Cohen Morris. Jill is an avid rambler and mother of two from Toronto, Canada with a remarkable zest for life and a fabulous sense of humor.

Dear Just Jill,

A close friend of mine was diagnosed with cancer. I’m sad for her, I’m angry for her and I’m devastated for her. More than anything I want to be there for her.

She kept to herself as she went through the diagnosis stage. I am vague on the details. My mind froze as she was telling me. At the same time I didn't fully understand and didn't want to press for too much information.

I'm at a loss. How do I best support my friend? I’m terrified of saying or doing the wrong thing. What is the right way to be? What questions do you ask and not ask? What things do you do and not do?

I know there are cancer survivors in this group, perhaps some of you are dealing with a diagnosis and others are supporting friends and family. What is the best kind of support to give and what should be avoided?

I’m in desperate need of advice. I just want to do what's right for her and help in any way I can. What’s a gal to do?

Sad Sally

Sole Sister Advice & Comments

This is an excellent article - Supporting a Friend Who Has Cancer.
This is such a tough one. I have not yet had someone close to me diagnosed with cancer, but I have had people in my life that I was friendly with who have been diagnosed. I have found this difficult because my instinct was to want to support and assist, but I didn’t want to overstep, and I didn’t know them well enough to assume anything. No matter how close you are to someone, they let you know what they need if you truly listen and take their cues rather than push and make the issue about how you feel rather than what your friend asks for. I am very private, and I imagine that if I experienced this personally, I would be pretty stoic about it; my instinct would be to grit through this quietly. Still, I can honestly say it would have nothing to do with how close I feel to my friends and my deep love and appreciation for them. My reaction to a diagnosis would be more about how I need to focus and how my instinct is to retreat into myself when dealing with something difficult. It is just my process; my close friends know this and wait for me to come out the other side. Your friend is in survival mode, and this is how she needs to deal with it. Maybe keep doing thoughtful acts of random kindness and drop off her favorite treats or send flowers and notes of support. Make sure, however, you choose actions that don’t require more of your friend than she can give, such as constantly asking for updates or her time, etc., as she may not have the energy for this. Your friend will know you are there, and she will love you even more as you have shown your love and support but respected her process.
When my dad had cancer, I had to distinguish between support and pest. It is a difficult position to be in. I feel that it’s essential to take your cues from the person going through the process.
Give her a list of things you can do. Instead of saying how can I help or what do you need you could say hey, I’m free to drive you to treatments on whatever day. You can cook and drop some meals in her freezer, clean her house, walk her dog, or offer whatever. My husband had two rounds of radiation - both every day for seven weeks. I went to most of them, but sometimes I couldn’t. It meant a lot to him when one of his friends would take him, but he wouldn’t ask.
Please ask her what she needs TODAY. She can read you and your distress over her diagnosis. Her needs will be fluid from physical and admin tasks to emotional release. And NOW you find a backup for yourself.