Just Jill is the creation of Jill Cohen Morris. Jill is an avid rambler and mother of two from Toronto, Canada with a remarkable zest for life and a fabulous sense of humor.
Dear Just Jill,
Here’s my dilemma. Sex, sex, and no sex!
Until I hit menopause, sex was a big part of my life, well maybe not that big of a part, but indeed an activity I thoroughly enjoyed and needed. I vividly remember the feeling of wanting my husband.
Fast forward to now. I have zero interest in sex. Don’t get me wrong, I love my husband. I just have zero desire to be intimate with him. It’s nothing personal; I have zero desire to be intimate with anyone.
On second thought, I could muster up some desire if George Clooney knocked on my door, but I digress.
I can’t remember the last time I initiated anything, nor was I an active participant. I miss that surge of desire, that feeling of wanting someone so badly you can feel it running through your body. My sex life today is borderline nonexistent.
So my first question is, how do I regain my sex drive, and what is wrong with me?
The other part of my problem is I feel terrible for my husband. I’m sure, given the opportunity, he would have sex every day. I don’t want him to think it’s personal. I start to feel guilty. I spend most of the day thinking this will be the night. I can do this! I become my very own sex cheerleader, but then nighttime comes, and boom, no way, how am I doing that!
Sometimes I do give in and have pity sex because I feel so badly. I feel like this could be straining our relationship, and that is the last thing I want. Help?
Sincerely,
Married Without Benefits Mary
Sole Sister Advice & Comments
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I love this podcast called This Meaningful Life. This episode about having a good sex life after 50. This is the synopsis. No one would deny sex is vital to a meaningful life, but what that looks like changes as we age. In this episode of the The Meaningful Life with Andrew G. Marshall, international sex therapist, and Daily Mail columnist Tracey Cox discusses her new book Great Sex Starts at 50: How to Age-Proof Your Libido. Meaningful sex is also sex that the two of you work on - after twenty years, you probably won’t want to rip each other’s clothes off, but you can plan time to devote to each other, to try new things, and create desire.
- Did someone just read my mind? I just reached menopause a couple of months ago, and this is also a problem for me. I'm thinking, is it menopausal or something else? I would love to hear more.
- A friend told me they would have a standing date once a week for sex. They scheduled it as they understood the importance of keeping this part of our relationships active as we age. They would always show up and perform (LOL), and even if one or both f them weren't feeling it, the commitment to a continued active sex life and creating connection usually ignited the spark.
- A while back, a group of women and I were chatting about this topic, and we were all joking about how we wanted our partners to read this post so they would know that this was not a unique problem. It is common. But it isn't discussed, and we are inundated with movie scenes and cultural messages that deny this reality. This denial makes navigating the situation harder because many feel ashamed and guilty. So even if many of us don't have advice about this problem, it is nice to know that we are not alone in experiencing it. Just reading this post helped, even if I have no idea what to do about it.
- I always joke with my hubby that he needs to find a support group for men living with women undergoing menopause so he realizes it's not just me.
We look forward to hearing your advice for in the comments!
READ MORE > Ask Just Jill, Rambler Cafe Blog
I love the idea of a support group for men living with women who are perimenopausal so they can understand and support each other early on, before full on menopause hits you like a ton of bricks
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