Funeral Planning Pauline - Just Jill

Just Jill is the creation of Jill Cohen Morris. Jill is an avid rambler and married mother of two from Toronto, Canada, with a remarkable zest for life and a fabulous sense of humor. 

Dear Just Jill,

I’m a healthy sixty-four-year-old woman with no plans of dying anytime soon. What I have learned, though, in all my years, is that none of us truly knows what tomorrow will bring.

So here I am, thinking about my funeral, burial, and everything in between.

Not something I want to think about, but is there ever a good time?

I have decided I want to be buried, not cremated. Next steps? How do I choose a cemetery? When do I look at plots? Do I pick my own casket?

Then there is the funeral … Do I have specific wishes? Who speaks? What songs play? Who officiates? I don’t know!!

Do I just not care and leave it to my loved ones? I feel that’s not right. I don’t know what’s right??

I need advice from my wise Sole Sisters.

What’s a gal to do?

Sincerely,

Funeral Planning Pauline

Sole Sister Advice & Comments

• This is a decision I’ve struggled with as well. At the moment, my instructions are to have me cremated and then plant a tree for me with my ashes buried by that tree. But I guess I want my partner and my kids to do whatever they want to with my ashes. I just feel that I should give my kids the option to have a physical place to visit my memory. It’s a tough one because everyone in my family is buried with a headstone. I have a physical place to visit if I want to. The only thing is, I only visit once or twice per year
  
  
• When my ex-husband passed away, his wishes were to have his ashes sprinkled at a lake at a school he attended. My daughters wanted a physical location to visit him and asked for my advice. I asked, what did your dad tell you that he wanted? He didn’t say anything at the end or have anything written down, so we discussed taking some ashes to his school, and we buried some at a local cemetery with a beautiful bench. At this school’s 50th reunion, we had a service for him. What an experience for my daughters and me.
  
  
• When I bought my flat, I got myself a will and went through all of this with my sister (no partner, no kids). It isn’t fun, but at least I know it’s done.
  
  
• My decision was to be cremated and then for my family to travel to all the places I’ve lived in. My estate will pay for that trip. That’s the way I decided I wanted them to remember me. See the world I saw, make new memories, and take that with them.
  
  
• Tough one. I want to be cremated as well, but so far, I have had no discussion with my family about the ashes. Having been uprooted over twenty ago, I have no idea where I want to be "laid to rest". Maybe I should have that talk with my daughters soon.
  
  
• This is a timely question as I am sadly preparing to deal with this situation soon for my ailing mother. I want to be cremated and like the idea of being scattered in different places, but I would still like a final ‘resting’ place for visitation purposes. A dilemma. Without children and grandchildren, my husband would like that to be in his hometown, but I am not sure about that location. A tough conversation and decision for sure.
  
  
• We experienced a very unexpected death in our family a few years ago, and there was no will, no instructions, or planning in place at all. This added a whole other level of pain and anxiety in trying to figure out wishes and deal with the estate. My husband and I had our wills in place, but this experience prompted us both to prepare a document that contains all of our personal information, bank accounts, pension info, bills that need paying, and which accounts, cremation wishes, etc.…pretty much everything! Lol! We update it each year to make sure it is current. We have also written love letters to our children and our loved ones, and they sit together in a file for the eventual day. This gives us peace of mind knowing that nobody will wonder what we want and where to start settling our affairs, and we can also leave our family with words from our heart (this was my hubby’s idea, and I thought it was really beautiful). 
  
  
• So smart to be looking into your options now. My father started talking to me about what he had in place decades before he died: all the people he wanted me to call (friends, family, coworkers, attorney, accountant), where the safety deposit box key was, and anything else he felt was important. I was thankful that he was SO organized. The first few years of talks were not easy, but the subject matter got easier as time went on. He also had everything set and paid for - plot, casket, headstone - and it made it SO much easier for me. I could not imagine having to make those choices at the time of dealing with all the feelings that accompanied the time of his death.
  
  
• I have told loved ones that I wish for a green burial. Those “cemeteries” are like parks with nature all around—a much more pleasant place to visit and walk around than the usual cemetery. I feel it’s up to them whether they feel the need for any kind of ceremony for closure. I do have music picked out for any get-together (some control issues at work here). 
  
  
• I really like the idea of my estate paying for a trip or some kind of fun event, so they have one last family memory made that in some way includes me. Another thought is to have a flash drive, or whatever new technology allows, of family/friends/trips, pictures, and movie clips put together to be given after I’m gone so anyone who wants can “remember” so many more times gone by than their brains are able to retrieve.
  
  
• I am an only child, and as such, I was responsible for handling my mother's final wishes. Sometime before she passed, she gave me a sealed envelope. In that note, she listed every detail of her funeral, from the minister to the kind of flowers she wanted. And everything was prepaid. What a wonderful gift to me.
  
  
• I appreciate this question because I realize I have not thought about the actual funeral and where I’d like to be buried, partly because I’m unsure where it should be. I have made arrangements to keep everything up-to-date financially and for my children to know where things are. I’m in the midst of doing a revocable trust to have them avoid probate as much as possible. 
  
  
• It's not that important to me regarding any ceremony or what happens with my ashes. I know from experience that your wishes cannot always be accommodated. My thoughts are that funerals are more for the living than the ones that passed. For that reason, I'm not going to tell my kids what to arrange other than letting my friends know that I'm gone if they don't already, and not to spend a lot on a funeral, host a party instead.
  
  
• I’m opting for my remains to be composted rather than cremation. I feel like this is a way to help keep nourishing this beautiful world and kinder to the environment
  
  
• Having dealt with this stuff over the last few years, one thing I have learned is that not all PREPAID funeral arrangements are the same. BE VERY CAREFUL when you make this kind of plan. I know of several people who believed everything was paid for before they passed, but the families had to come up with THOUSANDS more for various extra charges, etc. So please have a very clear contract.
  
  
• When my parents passed, they had everything in order. I carried a card in my wallet and just called the number, and everything happened the way they had planned and prepaid for. Make your arrangements. Your kids will give you one last big thank you!!
  
  
• Thank you for asking this great question. For me, it helps knowing my mother has thought of it all and written it down. In a difficult time, it makes things easier. So think of it this way: how can you help make things easier for your loved ones when you pass? If it's not critical to you, say it's a suggestion you like. That way, they can opt for something different without feeling guilty or carry out your wishes knowing you're happy with it. Good luck.
  
  
• I tried to have a chat with my mum and dad a few years ago about this. They made some vague comments but didn’t feel a need to go into details - “just do what you want.” I pointed out that my sister and I (who are very different and are not close) might think different things, and it would be preferable to know what they wanted to avoid disagreements. Didn’t get anywhere with this. When Dad died, we ended up going with what Mum wanted for him, some of which I felt he would not have wanted, which made me feel uncomfortable. Mum insisted on a speech given by a leader from her church (Dad never went). This person clearly had no idea about my dad and was not well prepared (shuffling papers, repeating herself, weird statements). I felt quite upset. My son was angry at a comment about how my father “is more beautiful now”. I made him promise never to have anything similar for me!!!
  
  
• Mum is still with us and will only say that she wants us to spend as little as possible and doesn’t want a grave/marker as she fears it will become overgrown in later generations. I rather like old neglected graves, but we will follow her wishes. I wrote Dad’s eulogy, and my sister and I and our children read it out at his funeral. It went really well, and everyone enjoyed it. I think he would have appreciated it, too. I would suggest that you have a clear discussion with any children you have about your wishes. You can be clear without being too prescriptive, whatever works for you. Personally, I want everyone dancing at mine; mum would find this disrespectful. Hopefully, she will not be around to witness it 
  
  
• This is such an interesting quandary. I have recently started putting together a "Death Binder" that I will offer my clients. It is a place to gather ALL the information that one's executors/family will need. Thank you for putting it out there! We all need to be talking about this stuff!!

We look forward to hearing your advice in the comments!

Happy Rambling!

SSR doesn't endorse the advice or content shared in this column. Our goal is to access the wisdom of our incredible Sole Sisters. 

READ MORE > Ask Just Jill, Rambler Cafe Blog