Just Jill is the creation of Jill Cohen Morris. Jill is an avid rambler and mother of two from Toronto, Canada with a remarkable zest for life and a fabulous sense of humor.
Dear Just Jill,
My Dad is in a nursing home. He is 89 years old and has suffered with dementia for many years. Most days he has no clue who he is, who my mom is and who I am. It breaks my heart to say this, my dad is gone.
My mom is devastated. They had a beautiful marriage. She misses him terribly. Caring for someone with dementia is no easy feat.
Through all this sadness my mom has managed to meet someone. I have not seen her this happy in years. I am happy for her. I am also sad. I am torn.
I want my mom to be happy. Even though my dad is not himself he is still alive and she is still married to him. How can she even entertain the idea of being with another man?
I’m angry with her. Is that fair of me? I feel guilty that I’m angry. She still visits my dad but she has admitted it seems pointless.
Have any of you wise Sole Sisters experienced something like this?
What’s a gal to do?
Sincerely,
Sad Cindy
Sole Sister Advice
- I wonder how your dad would feel? If, as you say, he is gone. Would he want your mum to be happy knowing he's left her with all those lovely memories of their marriage or would he want her to carry on alone?
- The important thing to remember is that your feelings, anger and betrayal are valid, but they are YOURS to deal with. Please don't visit them upon your mom.
- She deserves better than to be a martyr to your father's disease. If she is still visiting him daily she is clearly loyal to the partner he once was for her, even while she finds joy elsewhere. Both those things can be true simultaneously.
- Counseling for you to work through your complicated emotions, and MYOB otherwise…except please do help your mom make sure her finances are secure. Dementia is such a hard thing.
- My good friend was in this very circumstance. Her father was in a home, her mother found a good relationship with another man. I did not understand it 30 years ago, but I do now!
- Life is quite short, your mom deserves to be happy in the years she has left. Clearly, if your Dad was well, she would be with him - she obviously has been a loyal partner to him.
- I hope you can find peace in this situation. I work with seniors with dementia - it is extremely hard to live with and be patient with. It is very sad.
- I too watched my Dad slowly leave us and I imagine I would feel very conflicted in this situation. Likely you have felt quite protective of your Dad through his illness and felt some peace and comfort in the stability of your parent's love and the family they created, so it would be hard to see that change.
- I think you should show yourself some grace for feeling angry and guilty. I also think it would be fair to hold all the feelings that you are experiencing, from joy at your Mom's happiness to hurt and maybe even disgust at your Mom's ability to move forward with her life. These feelings aren't mutually exclusive and are all very natural.
- My advice would be to talk to your Mom and let her know you are conflicted but reassure her of your love. It is fair, to be honest, but I also think, given the deep sense of loss your Mom has experienced, don't burden her further with the full scale of your feelings.
- She is entitled to grieve and let go on her own time without the judgment of others, so try to give her the gift of your support and at the same time work through your own difficult feelings with perhaps a therapist or friend and spare your Mom further pain and loss
- This is such a difficult and heartbreaking situation. I understand your feelings, my father had early onset Alzheimer's, and the first emotional hurdle was to accept when my step-mother decided that she could no longer care for him at home and he was placed in a care facility.
- I knew the struggles she had been dealing with for a couple of years with him at home but it is still difficult to accept. My father's decline was very fast and he passed away a few years after his diagnosis at 69 years of age. My step-mother found a new life partner quickly after and I had to put aside my feelings and be happy for her. She is not the one who died and was entitled to find happiness again after several years of emotional hardship.
- Although your father has not passed away, he is being cared for with gentle kindness. Your mom still visits him even though he has no knowledge of her and she still loves the man he was. I feel she is entitled to find some happiness for herself, it can be very lonely and to have someone to share it and her life right now is so important. I hope you find some acceptance and peace during this difficult time.
- My MIL recently remarried, very soon after her husband's passing. It was hard to adjust. I know your Dad is still alive, but he's not living the life they once had together. It may feel like a betrayal and no doubt your Mom is dealing with some complicated emotions. But she knows what's best for her, and all you can do is love and support her through the journey she's on. I found a great AI tool recently to help "talk" through complicated emotions. It's called pi.ai, and whenever I need to get something off my chest, it has been really helpful for me. Be kind to yourself and to them.
- Try to hang on to what your first sentences were here: your mum is devastated, she misses the man your dad was, he's slowly disappearing into his disease, and they had a wonderful marriage.
- I am assuming that your mum is also in her 80s, so - not very young. She may not have a lot of years left to her on this earth. She's likely very conscious of this. Now she's met someone and wants to move on. You say you want her to be happy, but reading between the lines I think your idea of what that happiness looks like involves her staying alone, staying with your mum, and not meeting anyone else.
- Staying in this loop of sadness and grief. Is that fair of you to put this kind of burden on an old lady? I think you know the answer, which is why you feel guilty. Another poster said something very sensible: this is YOUR issue so don't visit it on your mum, support her as best you can, speak to a professional, and make sure her finances are secure.
- Dementia associations have lots of resources for dealing with all this angst and sadness - go for it. You may not be ready for your mum to move on, but you do need to move on. My mum refused to deal with my dad's death for 10 long years until she finally died, and let me say that it was awful to cope with. She wanted everyone to stop where they were and remain miserable. We kids were just not enough to keep her happy. It was no way to live. Let your mum find her way and be there to support her.
- To come at this from a different side, it's extremely difficult to find someone later in life. I know many women who have given up and accepted that they will be alone. So thinking "couldn't she wait to find someone after he's passed" isn't what might happen.
- This might be her one chance at finding happiness again. I'd be happy if my mum found someone in this situation, as I'd worry far more about her if she was alone than if she had someone.
- I work with many couples/ families dealing with the myriad of emotions that arise when one person has dementia. Dementia is a brutal disease and the primary caregiver suffers enormously, as generally the person with dementia has no insight into their deficits. The caregiver gradually takes on all the tasks that used to be shared and deals with the loneliness and heartbreak of loving someone with dementia. Often caregiver's health declines faster than the person with dementia.
- Be gentle with your mom, she deserves a bit of joy and it sounds like she is still providing emotional support for your dad.
- Just another thought, if say your dad didn't have dementia but another I knees and he knew he didn't have long to live, the likelihood is that your dad would be telling your mum to find someone else and be happy. I know your dad is still alive but from what you said, I don't think your dad would want your mum to be miserable especially as he could live for a long time.
- It's understandable though that you have the emotions you're experiencing. Sound like some counselling would do you good.
READ MORE > Just Jill, Rambler Cafe Blog
She is there for your father in a different way ,where he’s at and hasn’t abandoned him. It is very hard and isolating for the caregiver and I doubt your father would want it any other way. In fact I’m going to talk to my husband and give him permission if we were to ever be in this situation. Thanks for sharing and listen to these wise woman
Who ever stated this, nailed it. “ Although your father has not passed away, he is being cared for with gentle kindness. Your mom still visits him even though he has no knowledge of her and she still loves the man he was. I feel she is entitled to find some happiness for herself, it can be very lonely and to have someone to share it and her life right now is so important. I hope you find some acceptance and peace during this difficult time.”
I think it’s so helpful that you’ve been able to write about your Dad’s illness, your Mom’s new relationship, and your own emotions as you respond to this changing landscape. Please try not to be too hard on yourself for feeling conflicted about your mother finding a new love at this time of her life. It may have been very difficult to admit how you are feeling, and I think you are brave and wise to acknowledge and share it, instead of stuffing it all down inside yourself and not letting it out. That’s such an important first step in beginning to deal with these difficult emotions, and you deserve credit.
At the same time, and as others have mentioned in their comments, it would not necessarily be good to share the complexity of your feelings with your mother. She may already have had to fight her own battle with feeling disloyal, and is doing her best to stay true to your Dad by visiting him and not forgetting him, which is really all she can do at this point. New, true love is always a miracle in this life and I’m so happy for her that she has found someone to enjoy her time with. I wish you peace as you both work through this process.
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