Distraught Delilah's Affair - Just Jill

Before this happened to me, if anyone asked what I would do if this happened to me my response was always the same … no ifs, ands, or buts about it, that would be the end of us.

Here I am in this situation and I am so torn. He is my whole life, my best friend, my lover, he knows me better than anyone else. How could he do this to me, to us?? I am so torn.

How did I learn about his infidelity? I found an email, an email from him to her saying it was over, explaining to her that he still loved me. He went on to tell her their affair was a mistake and he was going to come clean with me. His one goal was to make our marriage work.

Am I weak if I stay with him? How can I stand to stay with him? Will I ever be able to trust him again? I’m so lost.

I know this is a tough one, and most of us would immediately say get rid of him. I love him and that’s not so easy. It's not so cut and dry for me.

Looking for advice from my Sole Sisters.

What’s a gal to do?

Sincerely,

Distraught Delilah 

Sole Sister Advice & Comments 

• I am so sorry you’re going through this! It’s awful! Please keep in mind what your partner has done is not your fault! It is not a reflection on you! You have not done anything wrong! The cheater is the only one responsible for their behaviour and actions.
  
  
• There is no wrong or right answer! But sounds like they honestly want to try! So it’s up to you to decide if it’s worth trying. And it’s no one else’s business either! If you are going to try to stay together, I would not share the infidelity with your friend groups. Reach out to only a few people you trust not gossip about this because you’re going to need to a support system to help you. And get counselling! Both marriage and solo sessions for each of you!
  
  
• Choosing to stay together or splitting up are both difficult. The important thing is to get the help you need and make sure you’re making decisions that are healthy and good for you!
  
  
• We all make mistakes, don't throw past years or future years or love away. Talk a lot, go to counselling, good luck. A dear friend of mine many years ago was under pressure from others to split from her husband, I said you have to do what you want to do and she still loved him, follow YOUR heart
   
• I think counselling is in order to see which situation you can emotionally live with. Also, see a lawyer so that you have a good understanding of your options and any possible financial consequences should you choose to leave. Unfortunately, financial well-being matters as well. Be kind to yourself. You're going through a lot.
  
  
• Please contact a women’s centre near you. And BREATH. No decision needs to be made today.
  
  
• Having been there, and 5 years later we’re together and happy, I say get some counselling to talk things through honestly and constructively. Don’t give up. Best best wishes. This is such a hard time for you. Think of it as grieving.
  
  
• There is no cut and dry - black or white to this. Counselling and some tough deep conversations are my suggestions to try first. Let him know you are going to ask some tough questions and he will need to be as honest as possible. This usually uncovers a lot more and will disclose more of what is going on with him in your marriage - so be prepared for some hard truths. I am so sorry this happened to you. Huge hugs.
  
  
• I was a counsellor for many years. Over time, I changed my knee-jerk answer to that question to “I probably would forgive him” - but I’d have to understand why. Can be very complicated, he probably doesn’t know & it’ll take time to sort it out and to know it won’t happen again.
  
  
• As with everything in life, nothing is cut and dry. You didn’t catch him in the throes of an affair, you caught him realizing what a mistake he made and moving towards correcting that. It will take time to trust him again but does one mistake warrant throwing away a years-long relationship. Mainly it’ll come down to how motivated he is to make this right. He has to win your trust back.
  
  
• I think that if you love him and you have been together for so long and if you want to see if you can get past this the answer is couples counseling. It will be hard but I believe it's the only way through this time. It will help you decide if you can stay together and give you tools to work with.
  
  
• No one can tell you to go or stay. You will do what you need to do for you when you are ready. You will learn what is acceptable and not acceptable for you for now or for the future. You sound like a very strong person. Just remind yourself of that every minute of every day. Everyone makes mistakes and he realized his before you did. That says a lot. 
  
  
• No one else can know your situation and no one else has to live with your decision. We are not here to judge each other, just walking each other home. Love him with all you have until life takes him away. Who knows how long that will be but I think you would regret not working this out more. You are not alone. How many people go through this? It is fixable, for you especially, considering the circumstances.
  
  
• Counselling and well-guided hard conversations will be the new foundation for going forward. You BOTH need to understand what was behind his decision to stray, because yes, it was a decision. And even if in the end you decide to part, that foundation of understanding both him and you, will be necessary for your future. Also, make sure you are in a safe place financially, because just as you were blindsided by the affair, you could be blindsided by funds being moved beyond your reach. NOW is the time to take care of yourself by making sound decisions.
  
  
• This is definitely a difficult one. And absolutely not everyone's reaction, solution or circumstances are alike. Not sure what your history as a couple is. Is he prone to flirting a lot? Has he ever given you cause in the past to distrust him? For some people, cheating is a pattern of behavior and you can never trust him again, in this case I'd say it would be over. But if this was truly a one time thing, and he does deeply regret it, and possibly maybe the affair actually made him realize how much he loves you and how much he has to lose, then I'd say it's salvageable. Trust is broken, that's hard to fix, but it can be built up again. Probably not without help, counseling, a lot of open and honest discussions. I think in this case you need to get to the reason why he strayed. Was he trying to fulfill something he perceived was lacking? Not to say this is your fault at all! 100% he is the one that did it, it is his mistake. So what I mean is his perception. I think as some people (women too), as they age start to lack confidence in themselves, their looks, sexual attraction, physical abilities, may start to look for outside validation, they enjoy the attention of another person. 
  
  
• Only you can decide what to do, whether you feel he is sincere, and coming across that email seems to indicate he is, as one person said, it would be different if you caught him in the middle and then he says he'll end it, and still loves you etc etc. It's definitely not an easy situation either way, leaving is hard, but giving a second chance and working through it will be hard too, which hard can you live with? Is it worth throwing away all those years if it's truly a one time huge mistake? I wish you the best of luck. 
  
  
• There isn’t a one-size-fits-all solution to the problem. I feel as though couples counselling and deep honest talking are in order
  
  
• To me, there is a big difference between love and sex. Sounds like it was the latter. Counselling never hurts. Lies do. Hopefully, he can be trusted again. If not, I have certainly thrown a few cheaters out the door. !!! Including my ex-husband, I could never make a move till I had the evidence and then I ended up with her cell phone with all the evidence I needed, so he came in one door. I had his bags packed, and he left out the other