Jane Witherspoon is a Canadian expat adventurer, yoga instructor, and passionate rambler who recently relocated from Panama to Denia, Spain.
Death is an inevitable part of life. This is something we have known and questioned from childhood. “What happens when we die?” every child will ask when death eventually touches their young lives.
It is an abstract thought and the answers received are delivered to create a sense of calm and comfort during the emotional and mental turmoil of loss. Life moves forward from childhood and entering adulthood there is a feeling of invincibility, the thought of aging and death a momentary blip on the radar.
As we journey into the third quarter of life, the challenges and emotional upheaval of navigating the loss of loved ones become much more personal. The paradox of living a healthier and more active lifestyle is known to extend our life expectancy. With the extended life expectancy, we will be exposed to more loss through our lifetimes. Thoughts regarding our aging bodies and eventual decline also sit at the forefront of our thoughts more often.
Loss changes our world in an instant, whether it is unexpected or a moment having been anticipated with knowledge of its inevitability. Either way, it doesn't mean we will feel prepared for dealing with the grief that follows and learning to adjust and cope.
Last April I experienced the loss of my mama. This is only the second time I have had to negotiate the loss of a loved one in my lifetime after losing my dad 10 years ago. The death of both of my parents was expected and, in my mind, I wrongly felt I was prepared to deal with each loss.
It can be especially difficult to lose a parent. Even though my relationship with my mother was one of deep love, emotional dysfunction, and trauma were ever present. With both my parents now gone, there is a feeling of being unanchored; no longer anyone’s daughter.
Grief is a universal emotion and traveling through it is a highly personal journey, there is no right or wrong way along this path to healing with no set timeline or schedule. In my research on grief, Elizabeth Kübler Ross wrote in her book “On Death and Dying” that grief could be divided into five stages.
Denial - this common emotion is a defence mechanism allowing us to begin the process of grieving. There may be a feeling of numbness before moving out of denial with the rise of more emotional reactions.
Anger - It is suggested that while denial is a coping mechanism, anger can be looked at as a masking emotion allowing us to hide from the true emotions and pain we are holding. As the anger subsides the true emotions begin to emerge.
Bargaining - The “what if” and “if only” thought process arrives at this stage. It is a time of trying to regain control and postpone the sadness, confusion, and hurt along this journey.
Depression - A processing period reflecting on your loss. Isolation and a feeling of loneliness may accompany this stage.
Acceptance - Feelings of a gradual acceptance and moving forward in life.
I needed to learn that holding grief in, my modus operandi when life gets tough, does not make it go away. Leaning into my loss and allowing love and support was a healing step towards acceptance. This is not a selfish act of burden, which is a fear for many, but a way to allow your community to support you in a time of need.
Most importantly, if you feel the need for the help of a mental health professional to navigate your loss, reach out for help. There can be the prevailing stigma that reaching out for help can be a weakness, but seeking therapy requires considerable strength.
And so, my Sole Sisters, as you ramble out into your week remember to embrace your community in times of need, those people are part of your life because of the trust and love you have for each other.
Grief I've learned is just love.
It's all the love you want to give but cannot.
All of that unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes,
the lump in your throat, and in that hollow part of your chest.
Grief is just love with no place to go." -Unknown
READ MORE > Jane's Mindful Musings, Rambler Cafe Blog
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