Belonging and Standing Alone - Jane's Mindful Musings

 Jane Witherspoon is a Canadian expat adventurer, yoga instructor and passionate rambler who recently relocated from Panama to Denia, Spain.

Recently I have been ruminating about how we all crave belonging and share this human desire to be part of something bigger than ourselves. As we struggle to find our place, to fulfill this need, we often become chameleons, presenting a version of ourselves that shows up, does, and says the right things to blend in. This can leave us unsatisfied, and unsure of who we truly are. 

I recently read Brené Brown's Braving the Wilderness, where she discusses this topic - innate human desire to be part of something larger than ourselves. 

Brene Brene says, “True belonging is the spiritual practice of believing in and belonging to yourself so deeply that you can share your most authentic self with the world and find sacredness in both being part of something and standing alone in the wilderness. True belonging doesn’t require you to change who you are; it requires you to be who you are.”

As we navigate midlife and beyond, change and transformation are inevitable. This period of our lives is an opportunity for rediscovery, as we seek true belonging—not only within ourselves but also by connecting with those who nurture and support our authentic selves. Midlife is a time to heed Brene's advice: discover, embrace, and share your most genuine self in order to find the sense of belonging you desire. We achieve this by being true to ourselves.

Throughout my life, I have worn many unauthentic versions of myself in an attempt to find my community and determine where I belong. As an introvert, my childhood felt lonely. When I did connect with others, they were often quirky and didn’t fit into the molds society creates. 

My teenage years were filled with angst and social anxiety. In my longing to be part of something, I would adapt to fit the required role, often losing sight of my authentic self. But who was that authentic self? A shy introvert with self-esteem issues, living in fear of criticism, failure, and not measuring up—this was not the person I wanted to be.

I continued this cycle through two marriages before finally in midlife finding the strength to stand alone in my authenticity.  

My early 40s became a time of deeper connection and introspection, where I questioned who I truly was and what I wanted from my life. The way I was living did not bring me happiness. The fear that had long been my companion dictated my decisions, and it was time to find the courage to rise above it.

This journey meant standing alone in my wilderness, embracing uncertainty, vulnerability, and criticism from my family. It was a difficult time, especially with my marriage ending and my children not understanding who I had become. 

Ultimately, I emerged from this experience, discovering joy in the life I was creating. I learned to be true to myself and to find those who accepted the real me. My children are finding understanding and embracing this authentic version of me as well.

Finding belonging and the courage to stand alone in your power involves opening yourself up to the vulnerability of trust both in yourself and in others. 

Brené Brown provides a valuable tool for this journey when she discusses "BRAVING" your wilderness on the path to self-trust, part of finding the strength to stand alone:

B- Did I respect my boundaries? Was I clear about what’s okay and what’s not okay?

R- Was I reliable? Did I do what I said I was going to do?

A- Did I hold myself accountable?

V- Did I respect the vault and share appropriately?

I-  Did I act with integrity?

N- Did I ask for what I needed? Was I nonjudgmental about needing help?

G- Was I generous toward myself?

And so, my Sole Sisters as you ramble out into your week, are you braving the wilderness, sharing your shining authentic selves with the world?

True belonging is not passive. It's not the belonging that comes with just joining a group. It's not fitting in, pretending, or selling out because it's safer. It's a practice that requires us to be vulnerable, get uncomfortable, and learn how to be present with people without sacrificing who we are. - Brene Brown