One of the most significant life lessons I've learned is that I can't control how others behave. I used to set expectations for others, and when they didn't meet them, I felt disappointed and blamed myself. But I've come to realize that I can't control how others act, and it's unfair to put that burden on myself.
When we allow others' disappointing behavior to influence how we feel or act, we give them power over us. This can include changing how we react around them, agreeing to do things not in our best interest, and taking on the mindset that it's our fault.
My husband considers me an enabler, putting others' needs ahead of my own. He has a healthy understanding of his self-worth and makes decisions based on his best interest. I am a people pleaser, so this behavior sometimes seems selfish to me.
It is hard to find the line between healthy self-respect and selfishness and of honoring our self worth while remaining mindful of others' feelings?
It is important to set healthy boundaries being clear about what we are willing and able to do for others. This can be a difficult habit to establish as we're often, from childhood, taught to put our feelings aside to make those around us comfortable. This has been especially true for females through the history of global socialization, wherein women’s values, worth, and opinions were of less consequence. So it is no wonder that we, as women, struggle with setting healthy boundaries.
Your self-worth shouldn't depend on anyone else. You have control and responsibility for your own life, including how you feel. Don't blame others for making you feel bad or guilty about yourself. Remember, you cannot control what others do, but you can control how their actions affect you.
Learn to say NO when you need to and not feel guilty about it. This is challenging for me because I often feel I have let the other person down when I decline their request. Many people will overly explain or make excuses but you don't need to. We're entitled to assert our boundaries.
Feeling responsible for how others will react is unhealthy and we must let go of guilt when choosing to prioritize our time and energy.
Finally, you are not alone in struggling to set healthy boundaries. Fear of conflict is one of the most common reasons we choose to avoid them. We often sacrifice our own needs to avoid upsetting or angering those around us, falling into passivity to avoid displeasure when voicing our boundaries. Sometimes we need to remember when people resist your boundaries, it is confirmation that they are necessary and should be upheld.
And so, my Sole Sisters, as you ramble out into your week may you remember that setting healthy boundaries is crucial for both self-care and positive relationships.
You cannot control the behavior of others,
but you can always choose how you respond to it.
― Roy T. Bennett
Love yourself enough to set boundaries.
Your time and energy are precious and
you get to decide how you use them.
You teach people how to treat you by
deciding what you will and won’t accept.
—Anna Taylor
READ MORE > Jane's Mindful Musings, Rambler Cafe Blog.
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