Naomi Weisman is a Canadian, Australian and mother of three, who loves to ramble with her dog, cook for family and friends, and laugh whenever possible.
We have discussed dementia and Alzheimer's disease a few times over the last two years in our Sole Sister Ramblers Facebook Group. It seems like quite a few of us have been touched by this dreaded condition in some way or another. I think this podcast will strike a chord with many of you.
My mother was diagnosed with Parkinson's disease at age 51, and by the time she was 65, she also had Alzheimer's. She lived, in body if not mind, until she was 76. This means that my sister and I helped our mother, in varying ways and degrees, for over 25 years.
There are so many memories of that time. Some are quite sad, but many of them are actually hilarious if you're into dark humor!
There is something so distressing about watching someone's personality disappear. It happens so slowly that it suddenly hits you one day. Our mom was one of the most intellectually creative people I knew.
She was a nurse, a writer, and a real estate agent; she was the mother of 4 kids, the caregiver to a multitude of cats and dogs, and a good friend to countless people. She went from having a raucous laugh and a confident air to feeling insecure and almost silent over a long, drawn-out period of time.
The insidious thing about this process is that you get caught in the weeds with feelings of aggravation at the forgetfulness and the emotional outbursts that you don't allow yourself to grieve at your loved one slipping away slowly before your eyes. For me, the woman who raised me and mentored me had become a tremendous burden, and I was mourning the loss of my rock and support instead.
Several years through the process, I came to the realization that if I can't find the humor in this, I will not survive it. The stress, with a failing marriage and three small children to contend with, was suffocating me.
You're probably wondering what could possibly be funny about any of this. Well, let me tell you, you have to dig deep! You would think that someone as dynamic as my mother turning into a toddler would be nothing but tragic, and of course, you'd be correct, but toddlers are hilarious! For any of you who have been around children, you know that you often have to meet them where they are intellectually.
In the podcast called Let's Not Be Kidding with Gavin Crawford, the comedian describes his process with his mother and "meeting her where she is" by finding humor in the situations they found themselves in.
He interviews other people, like Jann Arden, Scott Thompson, and Aurora Browne, all comedians who have also navigated their way through the care of a loved one with dementia, and they share funny memories as well as creative strategies.
In one of the episodes, Crawford describes a Christmas when his parents were coming to stay for a month. At the airport, his father looking frazzled, asks his son how to roll a joint. He says he wants to get his wife high in order to stop her from repeating herself constantly. With all of them inexperienced in cannabis, they go about experimenting with rolling joints and using oils.
Gavin describes how his mother knew exactly how to inhale, hold it, then exhale slowly as though she had done it many times before, much to everyone's surprise. Sure enough, she got high, but it didn't stop his mother's constant questions and repeated stories; it only exacerbated the problem!
One classic example of meeting my mother where she is was when I brought her to my place for dinner one night. When my parents were alive, Friday was our night to have a big family meal. Even though they had been divorced since 1977, my parents remained good friends and were happy in each other's company at my place, surrounded by their grandchildren.
So, one Friday, spaghetti and meatballs were on the menu, a fan favorite for my kids. My mom was across from my dad and beside my daughter at the table. Mom was absolutely silent most of the time because she had forgotten most of her vocabulary. So it was easy to forget she was there, but she would make herself known with laughter or gibberish when she felt ignored usually.
That night at dinner, she chose a different way to get our attention. One minute my dad was talking to the kids, and the next minute a wad of spaghetti flew through the air and landed on Dad's bald head. At first, the look on Dad's face was bewilderment, then shock, and then action!
The ensuing food fight was epic. At first, it was just my parents flinging food at one another, but my kids quickly joined in. Eventually, I decided, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em, and flung a few pieces myself, even though I knew I would be cleaning dried pasta off the walls for weeks to come. I will never forget the look of pleasure on Mom's face that night and the amount of laughter in the room that she had instigated.
Over the years, people have asked me how my sister and I survived those years caring for Mom. It is a recipe that will be different for everyone, but for Jen and me, it was love, patience, strength, and humor in varying measures depending on the situation.
Listening to Let's Not Be Kidding with Gavin Crawford brought back so many memories for me. It is so touching that Gavin wanted to share his family's intimate moments with us, and it is such a generous gift to give people who could use his stories as a salve or a blueprint for their own experience.
His podcast helped substantiate my own claim that humor is an essential ingredient to surviving the process and coming out of it all with some positive memories to draw upon.
READ MORE > Nomi's Pics, Rambler Cafe Blog
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