Jill Thomas is a rambler, traveler, and storyteller with a big laugh who thinks its funny how life leads you right where you need to be, however the roundabout path.
The Sole Sister Ramblers Founders recently discussed the idea of judgment because we want #nojudgement to be a motto for this community. This is a no brainer, right? Few people feel comfortable sharing their thoughts and feelings in a space where they feel judged.
However, we quickly discovered that being non-judgmental is more complicated than we imagined. In fact, I made a judgemental comment about one of my friends (without realizing it) while we were brainstorming how to make this community a non-judgemental space. Oh, the irony!
My comment led us to admit to each other and explore the ways we judge. We realized nobody is immune to our judgments, but the women in our lives (strangers, friends, and family alike) are who we judge most harshly.
We judge their habits, like how much they eat, what they order in restaurants, how often they exercise, and when they get out of bed in the morning. We judge what they wear, with an extra dose of toxicity, about the size and shape of their body. We judge them for their privilege and how they earn and spend their money. We judge their parenting and their values and beliefs.
In short, we are deeply judgemental - all of us. Given this, how do we create a community where women can share without fear of judgment? That’s some tricky business.
The thing in my life that I’ve felt most judged for is my leadership style. I’ve been called a bitch more times than I can count. I’m blunt, outspoken, assertive, proud, smart, action orientated, and sometimes difficult to get along with (all common characteristics of successful people).
I have found that people (especially those working with me) either like or dislike me. Very few are neutral in their opinions.
Women who talk the way I do, directly without coddling, are often perceived as bitches, and at work, they’re held to a different set of standards than men.
I was a successful restaurateur. Over the course of a decade, I employed over 2,000 people in a town of 10,000. Most of them were awesome, but some of them (let’s say 5%) were horrible. They did stuff like stealing, coming to work drunk and stoned, not coming to work at all, and having knife-wielding, glass-breaking suicidal tantrums.
Sometimes I had to fire people. Sometimes I could not give people the day off they wanted. Sometimes I used ‘the tone.’ I heard the phrase “I hear you are a real bitch” (at parties, at the grocery store, in our comment box) so many times that the words stopped shocking me, but they never stopped stinging.
For 95% of my employees, I was a fair and generous boss and a good mentor. I did what I could to help them grow. But no matter what I did, I could not shake the bitch label. It wore me out.
Later I was the Chief Marketing Officer of a large hotel management company. This job gave me fewer reasons to be bitchy, but I remained outspoken, assertive, and strong-willed.
I was the only woman on our ten-person executive leadership team. The men I worked with were smart and kind. I adored them. I did this job for over a decade; overall, it was a positive life-changing experience that I do not regret.
But still, I couldn’t shake being cast as someone who was difficult to get along with even though I wasn’t behaving any differently than my male colleagues (a select few of whom were unabashed assholes).
Once, I was accused of creating a “bitchy culture” by passing along my management style to a young woman who worked under me who was also deemed also to be too aggressive in asserting her opinions. When I pointed out that women in leadership roles are often accused of being bitchy and that this was a feminist issue, it set off a bomb.
The CEO of our company said I should try to be more like his wife (who's life was nothing like mine), and our CFO said I should try to model myself after Mary, the Mother of Jesus - no joke. Our company's President said, “I can’t imagine being married to you.”
A more thoughtful colleague said, “There are a lot of wonderful, powerful female leaders who are not viewed by their peers or themselves as a bitch.”
I thought to myself, name three.
Our culture heralds male leadership traits such as heroic, commanding, competitive, cut-throat, masterful, assertive, challenging, and even quirky. Women who demonstrate these qualities are called bitchy.
I have mentored many young women who, when they face challenging management scenarios, ask me, “How can I do that without making so and so think I’m a bitch.” The only advice I have is if you want to be in charge, you better get used to being called a bitch.
Dozens of studies show a woman’s likability declines as she becomes more powerful. Business manuals advise women to adjust their leadership style to avoid being seen as bitchy by using a soft tone when making a strong point and using feminine traits, like consensus building, to achieve goals without ruffling male egos.
I read these manuals, tried to change, and failed. Soft tones and consensus-building are not in my DNA; because I am a woman, I am judged more harshly for this than my male colleagues. I am bent out of shape about this.
I felt overwhelmed during the Barbie movie when Gloria delivered a monologue on the impossible double standards of being a woman.
She says . . .
“It is literally impossible to be a woman. We have to always be extraordinary, but somehow we're always doing it wrong.
You have to be thin, but not too thin. And you can never say you want to be thin. You have to say you want to be healthy, but also you have to be thin.
You have to have money, but you can't ask for money because that's crass. You have to be a boss, but you can't be mean. You have to lead but can't squash other people's ideas.
You're supposed to love being a mother but don't talk about your kids all the damn time. You have to be a career woman but also always be looking out for other people.
You have to answer for men's bad behavior, which is insane, but if you point that out, you're accused of complaining. You're supposed to stay pretty for men but not so pretty that you tempt them too much or that you threaten other women because you're supposed to be a part of the sisterhood.
But always stand out and always be grateful. But never forget that the system is rigged. So find a way to acknowledge that but also always be grateful.
You have to never get old, never be rude, never show off, never be selfish, never fall down, never fail, never show fear, never get out of line. It's too hard!
It's too contradictory, and nobody gives you a medal or says thank you! And it turns out in fact, that not only are you doing everything wrong, but also everything is your fault.
I'm just so tired of watching myself and every single other woman tie herself into knots so that people will like us. And if all of that is also true for a doll just representing women, then I don't even know.
So how do we create a non-judgemental community on the internet of all places? After all, the internet is the most toxic judgemental place in the world, and this project is led by a group of women who are both judgemental and assertive in their options.
Perhaps we can start by being more mindful of our judgments and do our best to proceed with kindness.
We need your help, and I look forward to your comments - feel free to be challenging, bold, and quirky! I won’t hold it against you and if you cross a line I might call you an asshole but never a bitch.
READ MORE > JT'S Tales From The Trail, Rambler Cafe Blog
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