Just Jill is the creation of Jill Cohen Morris. Jill is an avid rambler and mother of two from Toronto, Canada with a remarkable zest for life and a fabulous sense of humor.
Dear Just Jill
I’m in a sexless marriage. I’ve been married for almost 30 years. I love my partner and I feel loved.
Over the years our sexual intimacy has dwindled. We rarely rarely make love. We are both okay with this. I don’t know anyone my age who has a sex life like we did when we were in our twenties or thirties.
It’s not like either of us are attracted to someone else. I really really do love my partner, probably more so than when we first met. He is my everything!!
Does no sex mean my marriage is doomed or is it ok to be in a sexless marriage?
Any other Sole Sisters in sexless marriages? Are you ok with it? Do I need to worry?
What’s a gal to do?
Sincerely,
Sexless Sonia
Sole Sister Advice & Comments
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It's strange opening up about this, but here goes. When my partner and I got together over 10 years after my separation, like many new relationships, we were like rabbits. I even learned a few new tricks!
Our relationship was off and on for a few years but steady for the last 6. But when we re-established 6 years ago, we were never apart that long, and I noticed a huge difference in his sexual interest. We barely have sexual encounters anymore, not that there isn't affection, just not very sexual.
The problem is, I still very much have a sex drive and a desire to be intimate sexually with him. Although he's only 7 years older than me, it seems his libido has taken a nose dive. I'm guessing it's possibly a testosterone problem? I've suggested he could likely get medication and fix it. He agrees but doesn't follow up.
How do you convince someone to get help for a problem when he doesn't see it as a problem? I love him, I enjoy his company, and I'm not interested in anyone else; I don't picture my life without him in it, but lately, my needs in the bedroom are not being met, at least not by him. A massive part of what bothers me is not feeling desired. I start to feel like something is wrong with me if I can't arouse him anymore. But he says that's not the issue. It can be challenging to talk about. If you're both on the same page and agree with the status quo, then it's all perfectly fine.
- A lot of folks have issues with this. I found a great podcast called Modern Pleasure with a registered therapist who addresses these issues (and many more!). Listening to it (and my husband did as well) helped us recognize where we could help each other be more intimate (and not necessarily in the bedroom). It worked for us to open the conversation.
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You have been courageous to share this. I'm sure it comes to most couples at some point. It's refreshing to hear that you are both okay with it and still in love. And that is all that really matters. I know many long-term couples who admit that things are not so great - different expectations, growing apart, one of them changing in strange ways, but who feel they cannot leave or even confront these issues. Life is tough. If you are both genuinely happy, then good for you and just keep on communicating and sharing your love for each other in ways you want to.
I know so many couples who are at similar stages in their relationships. For some, it's the man who has lost interest or the ability; for others, it's the woman. In your circumstance, you're both okay with the status quo and shouldn't worry about it. It would be different if one of you were feeling unloved or undesirable. Then I would seek help.
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I was in a sexless relationship, and though we otherwise cared for each other, it still did significant psychological damage. I 100% do not recommend it. We probably had sex 4 times in 4 years. Honestly, I regret not having an affair. It would have been the wake-up call we needed - either to break up or to figure out an arrangement that worked to meet my sexual needs (he apparently had none). Regardless, when we did break up, my self-esteem about my body (not to mention my pleasure) shot way up.
- Whatever solution you come to, make sure it respects your needs, and be ready to have the world open again for you.
- Well, this doesn't surprise me, really. Doing the same thing repeatedly, especially with aging bodies, isn't the same as when you're 20. The most important thing is, are you okay with this? Is your husband? That's what matters more than any of OUR opinions. If you're both content, then stop worrying. I would suggest you get a vibrator so you don't totally forget what it's like to have a good orgasm, but stop feeling that perfection pressure. A good partner is no small thing.
We look forward to hearing your advice in the comments!
READ MORE > Ask Just Jill, Rambler Cafe Blog
Hi there,
I have been married for almost 27 years, and we love each other very much. Of course, sexual regularity can change a lot over the years, however our sex life is near non existent due to my husband having Parkinson’s disease, which also brings depression with it. Parkinson’s meds don’t help either. There are a few drugs which we have been informed of by his neurologist, however my husband is not keen to try them. I can see why with Viagra, due to possible painful side effects, but the other is supposed to be better. We have intimacy, but I miss even cuddling at night, as after a few mins he is uncomfortable and gets up a lot in the night. I end up reading a lot of sexy books. I also have a sex you but I don’t often have alone time to use it. He has had Parkinson’s for 13 years.
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