My MIL is Driving Me Batty Barbara - Just Jill, Rambler Cafe Blog

Just Jill is the creation of Jill Cohen Morris. Jill is an avid rambler and mother of two from Toronto, Canada with a remarkable zest for life and a fabulous sense of humor.

Dear Just Jill,

My mother-in-law has been staying with my husband and me for the past month. She is moving into a condo. Unfortunately, though, her move-in date has been delayed by six months. Help!!

She is driving me crazy. Having her live with us is turning out to be a nightmare. She comments on everything I do, from what I wear to what I cook to how I spend my days and money. How am I going to survive? I still have five months to get through. It feels like an eternity!!

My husband tries his best to talk to her, which usually ends in a fight, and then he walks away. It is starting to affect our relationship. The two of us are fighting more and more.

Some days, I don't want to be in the house. Is it too much to ask … I want to be able to make my tofu in peace and not hear how I should be drinking a big glass of milk and not putting almond milk in my coffee. Oh, and she keeps rearranging my kitchen. Apparently, I keep my glasses in the most inconvenient cupboard. Honestly, I am at my wit's end!!

I need advice from my Sole Sisters! Is anybody in the same boat? How have you coped?

What's a gal to do?

Sincerely,
My MIL is Driving Me Batty Barbara

Sole Sister Advice

My mom is just the same. Sometimes, in life, it's about changing the kind of glasses lenses you use to see through situations. My bet is your in-law or she feels uneasy about being there and wants to help you and be helpful. Or, she is so happy to be there with you two and wants to return the favor. Either way, she could become your best ally, your best friend. Living in a house, we all have these little "projects" that we put aside because we don't have time to do. I guess you could tell her that you feel she needs to keep busy, ask her what she likes to do, and give her "little projects" in the house. If she likes to cook, ask her if she wants to prepare meals sometimes. If she likes organizing, she could reorganize your closets or your husband's drawers. She could reorganize your fridge. It may seem she wants to take some control in the house, but it's a way to show you her love or how much she is thankful. Take the time to bond with her. If you guys are not too tired to play board games with her. Or take her for coffee at your favorite coffee shop. Make the best out of the situation. Instead of putting up a wall, helpfully divert her energy. In the end, she will love you for it. The best chance for you!
That happened to my mum and I, who used to visit for four months every year and wanted to do things her way and her way only. I had to change my perspective and not argue with her too much, and eventually, she felt guilty about pushing her way through all the time and compromised instead!
My mom-in-law and I did not get along during the ten years she lived with us in an open flat on our top floor after she was widowed at 60 and moved cities to live with us. At first, I worked full-time, and she was a massive help with the kids and the house. But then I retired early from full-time work, and we were always together. We have very different styles of doing things - she is go go go, and I get to it when I feel like it. She also had a severe and destructive (undiagnosed) eating/exercise disorder and anxiety with which I tried to intercede but likely made worse. My husband was stuck in the middle, and he ultimately chose me and our kids. We sold the big house, intending for her to live close by but separately. She moved back home, hurt by the forced separation.
I want to admit that I have enormous guilt and regret about my relationship with my mother. Not long after she moved back home after living with us for ten years, she developed motor and neurological issues that eventually led to being bedridden and uncommunicative, and she died at 77. During her final three years, we spent the summers nearby, and I could tell she forgave me (or forgot our toxic ten years). The Rabba encouraged us to ask her forgiveness at her funeral, and I did.
I lived with my mother-in-law for ten long months, which nearly drove me crazy. At one stage, I was preparing food for my book club, and she was hovering, waiting for me to offer her some. But as I was infuriated with her, so I didn't offer any food, and it hurt her feelings. We have not spoken about it to this day, and I regret it. I was digging my heels in just for the sake of it. She was forever grateful to us for having her stay, and in hindsight, I am glad we were there for her. None of us liked it, but she needed us. My advice is to get out and about as much as possible, go to the movies, out with friends, go shopping, get a new hobby, do some nice things with your hubby, go on weekends away, etc. Keep busy and ignore the little jibes. It isn't worth damaging the relationships. After all, she is your hubby's mum, so the impact will be more significant on you, but don't take it out on him as he is in a difficult position. Six months will fly, and regrets/guilt will live on much longer. Good luck.
Find places for her to go and ways to keep busy and make friends - volunteer her time, find a group that does things she enjoys like knitting, quilting, ANYTHING!! My dad went to a senior center where they had many activities and different types of classes (he enjoyed the intellectual ones). He made many friends of different ages and really enjoyed it.
Take your mother-in-law out for lunch and have an honest conversation with her. Approach the conversation with how you feel instead of addressing her behavior. You cannot change her, but you can change your reaction to her behavior.
During the early COVID-19 days, my mother and stepfather lived with us for three months. We live on a hobby farm, and it was 'a safer place' for two elderly people from the city to stay. Generally, things went well. We independently made breakfast and lunch each day, and I planned and prepared dinner for everyone and ensured the house was clean and the fridge was full. My husband was working remotely and mostly stayed in the office. I was very busy with my chickens, vegetable garden, and other farm chores, and we were not in each other's way. My parents usually read and played cards during the day, and my mother spent many hours looking after my stepfather. It was a real eye-opener for me to see how dependent he had become. Although my mother worked hard to care for my stepfather, she could be very impatient and, at times, just plain mean to him. We all found this behavior upsetting, especially when it happened around my children. I had an honest chat with my mother about how we were all feeling and explained that we don't treat each other that way in our family, and asked her to act less annoyed in front of my children. She initially became insulted, but she 'mostly' complied with my request. Having them stay with us was necessary for their safety. Still, I wish I had that conversation with my mother before their extended stay, as I had noticed her impatience before but didn't realize the extent of it.
You should take your power back and remind her she is a guest in your home. You love and care about her, and both of you want her to be safe, but she is a guest in your home.
I know most places are tight for the rental market, but are there a few months at a VRBO or B&B? We got some $ from developers when our move-in date was delayed.
I suggest encouraging her to take this time to take a holiday or an extended road trip (or multiple road trips) to visit other friends and family members using your place as her 'home base.'
A family therapy session may help everyone understand each other better and resolve some things that are setting off stress.
If she or you can afford it, move her into a short-lease apartment. Or move yourself there, lol.