Frustrated Fiona's Husband - Just Jill

Dear Just Jill,

My husband has turned into an old man! There is an 8-year gap between us and that gap is feeling bigger and bigger every day.

It’s just that this is not something I expected or planned for. He was always fitter than me. He could run faster, walk faster and move faster. His balance, his strength, and his mobility always surpassed mine.

When we went walking I had to jog to keep up with him. Now he can’t keep up with me even on the flats. I try to slow down but that’s not ideal for me. I like to maintain a certain pace for my own health.

Walking is one thing we love to do together, especially when we travel. How do I adjust to this new normal? I’m so frustrated and feeling so guilty for feeling frustrated. I know he’s frustrated.

I love him so much. We have a solid relationship and I am not going anywhere. I miss this part of our life.

Any Sole Sisters experience this? How have you coped?

What’s a gal to do?

Sincerely,

Frustrated Fiona

SOLE SISTER ADVICE

• I get it. There is a 5 year difference in my relationship and I was just told the other day that it looks like he is not going to ski or surf again due to his knees. He is an avid golfer and I am not (I play once in a while).
  
  Our list of activities we do/did together is almost zero. Our therapist has asked us to put together a new list. A list of what each of us likes to do and then a list in the middle of what we will do together. It will always change she said but the key is to update the list as the years go on.

• My husband was 8 years older than me as well. I too noticed a change in the past couple of years. I lost him in July this year 2 1/2 weeks after he got a cancer diagnosis. He was only 66.
  
  I guess what I’m trying to say is try and find something else to do together and enjoy every minute

• This sounds like a sudden and significant change. Is he ill or injured? I'd look into it medically to make sure that there isn't a problem first if that hasn't already been ruled out. If this state of affairs is now permanent, I'd start getting some exercise in on my own, so that I could enjoy our strolls together without feeling that my health was being compromised.

• I can feel you. My hubby is 6 years older, and hiking has always been what we like to do together the most. All our first dates were hiking. But these days, I find him resisting hilly hikes. Especially when we are on the West Coast, where things are always hilly.
  
  It stresses me out, and I am hard on him about it. When we do hike, he can still kick my butt, but he seems to be shying away from the desire to pound up mountains.

• I never know to just let him be him and rest in what he calls his 'dotage' or keep pushing. I fear that if I don't keep pushing, we will lose our mutual love of hiking forever. I am fearful that if I don't push, we will age faster and soon not be able to do stuff together.

• Ha! Timely convo. My husband is 14 years older than me and we just had this conversation during a recent strenuous hike in the mountains. He wondered aloud how much longer he could do those kinds of hikes. He has completed two full knee replacements in the last five years and is extremely active. Fortunately, we live at sea level with few hills, and the climate is warm year round so hope to keep pace together as long as we can.

• I am in the same boat, ladies. Not due to a big age difference but mainly challenging health issues for my husband. He is finding after the current taxing trip we are on that it’s much harder in his early 70s to do the numerous long flights and stressful logistics of seeing many countries on one vacation.
  
  He is talking group tour next time - yikes! Not sure I am ready for that yet as we have always loved our independent travel. Otherwise, he is very fit and walks more than I do daily so I can’t complain.

• Perhaps start doing yoga together. It helps with mobility, balance, etc. as we get older. My hubby is 5.5 years older but has far more energy than I do but I’m lazy so there is that

• Hmmm. I feel a need to share, but worry that some are not going to like to hear this. After 5 years of slowing down to stay at my husband's side, he is now gone. And I am left with a body lacking muscle and stamina. I'm getting it back slowly, but WISH I'd been smarter and found a way to stay fit.

• I think that Sole Sisters Ramblers is a perfect way for some women to be able to go off on their own "without their husbands" and maintain some of their physical integrity that might otherwise suffer. Had I found a group like this while my husband's health and fitness were declining, I'd have been much better off.

• My hubby is five years younger! Even though he's younger, I've always been more active, spontaneous, and probably annoying with a type-A personality. My husband is much more careful, methodical, slow with making decisions, and at times lazy, which I found very attractive. He calls himself a type F personality!
  
  Now that I am older, with multiple surgeries, I am still more active than him. I often push my hubby to get involved with my multiple projects and to walk, travel, and visit sites with me. He can, at times, be obliging especially if I involve a stop for food!!! He loves food. My suggestion is to capture your husband's 'currency' and use that to entice or tempt him.

• My husband is 14 years older than me & has advanced COPD. He is couch-bound the majority of the time. I was lonely for a long time. Knowing that I could soon be a widow, I shifted into my 'keep moving forward" gear.
  
  I got used to enjoying my own company. I go for long solo kayaks & recently found new hiking buddies in my age group. I got interested in photography which enhances my alone time by giving me a focus outside of myself.
  
  The grief still pops up here & there but I now have balance in knowing I can take care of my own needs. I have a lot less frustration & a strong sense of fulfillment. I'm lucky that my husband supports my adventurous side even though he can't be part of it. I hope this helps you somehow.

• My thoughts - slowing your pace to keep with his does you a disservice. If he is aging at a different rate to yours, consider the fact that in the future he may be dependent on you for care, and in this setting being the stronger fitter person will pay dividends in terms of your mental and physical wellbeing.
  
  That said, keeping some hobbies that you both enjoy (or seeking out new ones) will keep you connected which is also really important. And as others have said - check for new health issues that may need attention. And thanks for the reality check - I need to practice what I'm preaching!

• This is a big adjustment for you and I feel your pain. But let go of what was and embrace his company just in slower motion. Live in the moment doll.

• There comes a time when 8 years does seem to start to matter in terms of physical activity. And even in terms of a shared sense of adventure sometimes. That's why Sole Sister Ramblers is such a great group. Hopefully, you can find other pursuits you both enjoy. And leave the fast walking for fit friends.

• Thank you for sharing and being vulnerable. I know it’s scary to share things like this and often one would feel guilt or shame in this circumstance. I’m going to bring (hopefully), another perspective.

• What happens if one is vegan and your partner is a carnivore? If one is spiritual and the other is not interested at all in even talking about spirituality or self-help, etc? What about if your political views are diametrically opposite?
  
  Would you change your partner? For some, this will be the only road, if we are talking about non-negotiables or deal-breakers. But this doesn’t seem to be your case.

• We try to adapt and readjust, right? And yes, during the adaptation period, there’s a grieving process; for what it’s not there any longer or maybe never again will be. It’s okay to feel upset, sad, frustrated, and all that … that’s normal while grieving … so stay with those feelings, acknowledge them and they’ll lose their ‘power.’
  
  In the meantime, enjoy the love, the friendship, the good company, and the memories, and plan to make new experiences and new memories, and maybe even new dreams! Life is always unpredictable and to go through adversity is part of our human nature.
  
  One thing that you guys seem to have and which is ‘predictable and constant,’ is the love for each other. Lucky you ‘predictable and constant,’ is the love for each other. Lucky you

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